Breathing in hefty lungfuls of smoke as I get explosive diarrhea from salad, the sky turns apocalyptic orange while oil companies drill in protected lands, screwworms are eating cattle alive and the president just paid $6 million for rape. And I’m also able to bet on all of it!
Continental Congress HAS SIGNED A DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE!
The UNITED STATES are OFFICIALLY INDEPENDENT from BRITAIN.
LIBERTY BELLS ring out throughout Philadelphia; the streets ERUPT IN ECSTASY.