Ashtin Not Kutcher

Even I am surprised how much more active Murphy’s Law is in my life than I am.

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

[Matt Ortile @ortile]

“i’m in my villain era” — me, advocating for my needs

[Ashtin Not Kutcher @ashtinkinney]

@UndercoverAutie I really love the Gimlet podcast ‘Crime Show’. While they still cover crimes, I find it less gory and anxiety inducing. They’re wonderful with announcing trigger warnings as well. Somehow they manage to make my jaw drop every episode💕

https://t.co/evKns7JRnQ

[Ashtin Not Kutcher @ashtinkinney]

Wordle is simply millennial Wheel of Fortune.

[Ashtin Not Kutcher @ashtinkinney]

“The Polar Express is just Forrest Gump on a train” - @DanBonarski

[Ted Lasso @TedLasso]

Green bean casserole is the Chandler Bing of Thanksgiving dinner. You don’t expect it to be your favorite, but there it is every time winning all of our hearts.

[Ashtin Not Kutcher @ashtinkinney]

Barely awake and with a groggy voice, the first thing Daniel said to me this morning was: “you can’t spell carbonara without Bonar”.

[ghosthoney @tylergaca]

I only take constructive criticism from the moon

[Angie B @Angibangie]

Why is it forbidden to wear white after Labor Day, but people can wear Crocs literally whenever they want?

[jon drake @DrakeGatsby]

God gives his toughest battles to his littlest teapots

[Sophia Benoit @1followernodad]

If your tweet is *really* good my boyfriend and I might repeat the punchline of it back and forth to each other for 3-5 years.

[Iris 💫 @Jest_Iris]

I was today years old when I realized "roomba" is an anagram of "a broom"

[Ashtin Not Kutcher @ashtinkinney]

Just watched the fourth episode of Loki and am disappointed I’ve seen absolutely 0 tweets making the ‘4 Loki’ joke.

[Angry Robot Books @angryrobotbooks]

Count Dracula was 412 when he moved to England in search of new blood.

Sauron was 54,000 years old when he forged The One Ring.

Cthulhu had seen galaxies flare into life and fade to darkness before he put madness in the minds of men.

It's never too late to follow your dreams!

[Ben Sack @iBenSack]

Well team, we’ve made it to the center

[ANTHONY ZUCCARO @externaljew]

Women have been deprived of pockets for so long that they’ve evolved to this level of grip strength