Smash💋

Punny, sassy, & anti-flashy. Everything I say is a joke, except this… and that.

[Smash💋 @aSmashterpiece]

Why does it cost so much just to be alive? I’m not even having a good time.

[Smash💋 @aSmashterpiece]

@LennyK343 Been a minute. Making a mediocre come back.

[Smash💋 @aSmashterpiece]

The plague, the flu, and common cold walk into the room. I asked, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”

[jeffrey @JeffScape]

Women be like “my water broke” okay then tell it to get a job???

[fredesque @FredTaming]

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

[jeffrey @JeffScape]

Sometimes your tweets flop. And that’s ok. It happens. It just means no one likes you

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

Don't mind me, I'm just judging you while drinking wine out of a mustard jar.

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

Ultimately it was the word bukkake that won me the Scrabble championship.

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

In my defense, that WAS my best behavior.

[Smash💋 @aSmashterpiece]

Overcooking my ribeye was a misteak.

[Smash💋 @aSmashterpiece]

@bandlegame your year for this one is wrong. The song technically came out in 2005.

[.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin]

my flabber is gasted more often than i care to admit.

[John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets]

Me: Maybe AI can do my job, but it will never be able to do it with my unique personality and sense of humor.

AI: Are you guys working hard, or hardly working? Whoa, I must have missed the memo about this being blue shirt day.

Me: Oh crap.

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

I never said I was interesting. I said I was into resting.

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

That's when I went all MERICA on their ass.

[.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin]

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

[Smash💋 @aSmashterpiece]

Fuck winter fat, I’ve got spring rolls.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

Me: I am terrified of eagles.

Therapist: Okay, take it easy.

Me: *screams*

[M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™ @MonotoneofBill]

Autocorrect’s originator died? I didn’t even know he was I’ll.

[.:RiotGrlErin:. @RiotGrlErin]

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so