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I generally prefer spinach over lettuce

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All I'm saying is that if my last name were Tint, I'd hope my friends would be erudite enough to give me the nickname "Tintoretto"

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“I hate Bretton Woods”

hell yeah brother the IMF is a corrupt institution designed to funnel resources from the global south into western corporations

“I meant the ski area”

...oh yeah I feel you, their terrain is trash

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epidemiology? no no my degree is in epicmemeiology, the study of epic memes

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catch me at the trailhead bumping Wait Wait...Don’t Tell Me

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@lohud perilous peak or you’re soft

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@GabrielRom1 @lohud I’m worried G

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going back on Prozac, so get ready for my soft peen, ladies

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telling all of my catholic coworkers “you’ve got some shit on your face” today as a show of workplace dominance

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🎶 that girl is Tiglath-Pileser 🎶

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carrying a bible in my breast pocket to protect me from any errant musket fire

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when your uncle tells you "yasher koach" at your bar mitzvah but you forget all your Hebrew so you hit him with a good old "de nada"

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@Integrity_Guy ok fine I’ll stop texting you...

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nothing but respect for MY president 😢

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@_grendan

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ah yes hunting season, the perfect time to try out my new moose fursona

if they shoot and kill me I’ll know it rules

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pretty sure I’m the only patron slowly working my way through the local bodega’s supply of Diet Cherry Dr Pepper

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i don’t get it...is she a lady or is she a bird??

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can’t wait until 30 years from now when The Big Bang Theory develops the same highbrow cultural cachet that Seinfeld currently has

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tales of living in a building full of other gentrifiers: I just had to explain how a dryer's lint trap worked to someone older than me

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*extremely air horn sound effect* man right here speaking truth bruv https://t.co/XQIugIxD87

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nothing quite like making financial transactions on the upper east side to make you feel like a high roller