Austin Black

Just trying to stay relevant

[Austin Black @austin_black]

Why does Johnny Depp’s testimony look like a highlight from a podcast

[Austin Black @austin_black]

Just heard a co worker say "my happy hour is the gym" which is crazy bc I didn't know you could get fucked up at Planet Fitness

[Austin Black @austin_black]

How I Met Your Father spin off is lame. I want to watch How I Settled For Your Step Dad

[Jared Freid @jtrain56]

Remember your most unhinged friends during the pandemic?! Well they are BACK as a war correspondent!!

[Austin Black @austin_black]

@ericfording5434 @alfcorriette @ericfording5434 hahahaha the greatest theme of all time

[Austin Black @austin_black]

Just canceled my Netflix account. To the 73 people I've shared my password with, it's been a hell of a ride. But it's time for you to fly with your own wings.

[Austin Black @austin_black]

This year I'm going to stop multi tasking. And also stop singular tasking. I'm just done doing stuff

[Austin Black @austin_black]

My moms boyfriend just told me ever since Biden got into office bacon has been more expensive. At least he didn’t say something racist?

[Austin Black @austin_black]

It's gotta be tough if you're a cinephile and someone doesn't know what that means. "So, ya know pedophiles? That's me, but with movies."

[Austin Black @austin_black]

They say caffeine is a drug... but I've never stood in a circle with a group of people I don't like so I could get my hands on some dark roast

[Austin Black @austin_black]

It's really cool how a bar lets everyone know you're old enough to drink by stamping a bear riding a tricycle while smoking a blunt on your wrist

[Austin Black @austin_black]

Hey yo, here's a sketch! Made by @notmadefortv @Derekcomedy and me.

https://t.co/3EF60jj4om

[Austin Black @austin_black]

I saw a guy wearing a Kum&Go sweatshirt. It was like when you see a young person wearing a Led Zeppelin shirt because I was like "name one item on their hot dog roller"

[Austin Black @austin_black]

How long until Buzzfeed has a quiz like "Find out which racist politician you are!"

[Austin Black @austin_black]

Someone told me it's bad to stare at your food while it heats up in the microwave. I'm pretty nervous because I've been eating that shit

[Chris Schlichting @schlickcomedy]

Use promo code: chrisschlichting
to get first month free

https://t.co/GXUtQWVAzo

[Austin Black @austin_black]

Salsa that says it's "restaurant style" is like if hot dogs had a "gas station" flavor

[Austin Black @austin_black]

Having your hair blow in the wind feels amazing, unless you're in a honda civic with the windows down because the A/C doesn't work

[Austin Black @austin_black]

Just watched Boogie Nights for the first time. It's very on brand that one of Mark Wahlberg's first movies is revolved around him having a huge dick

[Austin Black @austin_black]

I'm so addicted to hate watching shows that lately I've been hanging out with people I don't even like