crusty

back on twitter bc instagram took away my only sense of validation

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

In this economy, being on time is not an option.

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

Tip: when making plans with someone ask how the parking is, if they say street parking, finding parking is an acceptable excuse to be late, if they tell you there’s a parking lot, you know you need to blame traffic

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

My heroine addiction is out of control, I just can’t get enough of these admirable women who could be considered heroic.

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

@stellarkenn @LizBranin I still stand by my 100% use of the Oxford comma, there is no world in which it is not necessary

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

The devil tries to steal joy from the things of God, I got food poisoning from @ChickfilA yesterday, but I have this to say, the Lord giveth and sometimes the Lord taketh away via violent spouts of vomit, but I will still go to Chick-fil-A.

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

Someone: *mentions that they were in band in high school*
Me: “that’s cool, but did you play Moscow, 1941”

[Barstool Sports @barstoolsports]

Out of all the Kobe stories in the last day, this one hit differently.

Elle Duncan on Kobe “being a dad. A girl dad.”

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

I can’t sleep so I tried to turn on Planet Earth, but they took it off Netflix, I’ve never been more offended in my life

[San Miguel Sheriff @SheriffAlert]

Large boulder the size of a small boulder is completely blocking east-bound lane Highway 145 mm78 at Silverpick Rd. Please use caution and watch for emergency vehicles in the area.

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

I forgot how amazing the movie Homeward Bound was

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

In this house, we dip our fried potatoes into our mushy potatoes

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

Our second claim to fame along with “Bonnie and Clyde robbing our already bankrupt bank”

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

When I try to date someone younger than me

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

my mother who has never had a drop of alcohol texted me and told me she was drinking rosé and then sends me this picture, today is cancelled

[T.S. Madison’s Porta Riccan Wig @IGawtTheDoorTor]

@notpixietit I went through the drive thru at Starbucks and the person taking my order accidentally said, “MERRY CHRISTM...” They didn’t even get to finish the word.

By the time I pulled up to the window to pay, there was nothing but blood splattered all over the glass.

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

adulthood is a constant cycle of me thinking "hey i'm really starting to get the hang of this" and then doing something silly like leaving a rental car unlocked, unattended, running for 3 hours in chicago

[crusty @austinbrandon96]

Happy birthday to the one and only @LoW_2 ❤️