e.t.c.

I guess my name is Emily

[e.t.c. @babecityusa]

Tellin my kids this was a dyke

[faboolah @azninthesun]

the “you fucking the text man for texts” woman should win a nobel prize

[Samantha Ruddy @samlymatters]

I’m a butch lesbian. My wife is a femme lesbian. Men always try to talk to her and it makes me so jealous. Talk to ME. She’s not even enjoying you, bro. She’s so bored by you. I love Jackass and Quentin Tarantino movies. Stop bothering her and let’s go to Buffalo Wild Wings.

[merrin @wowzowee]

When the stuff at target starts sounding like a diy venue lineup

[Blake Griffin @blakegriffin23]

Accidentally hit a squirrel yesterday in my car. Feel so guilty I could barely sleep. Casey Anthony is a monster.

[alexander the pretty good @vaudevillehook]

Is rack city walkable

[octopus/caveman @octopuscaveman]

Telling the barista at Starbucks i clogged the toilet as Im leaving

[hil @plume__]

selecting “ze/zir” as my grandma’s pronouns on the form at her doctor’s appointment so hard that i shatter the tablet into a thousand pieces

[Erik Anderson @AwardsWatchErik]

Obsessed with the nuns on TikTok who sound like drag queens if they were nice during Untucked

[x_c4tb0y_x @vampiric_shirin]

gay dudes get no loads refused parties and cruising in home depot bathrooms but lesbians get discourse about whether a 24 year old can hit on a 20 year old

[Brunette @mimizima_]

Gay Guy Music Video Night refers to the activity not necessarily the demographics involved. A group of women can have Gay Guy Music Video Night. A doll and 3 straight guys can have Gay Guy Music Video Night. The name merely honors the originators of the tradition

[J🦑🌅 @SumerianEunuch]

#BEASTMODE

[Cher @cher]

I Need To Shoot My Phone

[Skyler Higley @skyler_higley]

hot air balloon accident has to be the worst way to die cause your ass didn’t need to be up there doing that whimsical shit in the first place

[Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles]

doctor (solemnly): i was today years old when i discovered the cancer had spread to your lungs

[rat king 🐀 @MikeIsaac]

i am not in the right emotional state to see the sad baby monkey thing, please no more

[Desus MF Nice💯 @desusnice]

this is beautiful, we gotta give people their flowers while they're still with us

[Chloe Katz @chloekatzsux]

Should I send?

[trash jones @jzux]

i should be able to put my phone on Please Disturb mode so my friends know I want attention