Patfish Startrick

Full time lung inflator/deflator. Mask wearer

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

I just split my pants and now it's over for these britches

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

Michael Stipe *frantically checks pockets*: Ah. Not again!

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

@Pokentoon @VancityReynolds @Android I think you're confusing him with a propeller

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

@dame_vae @gsbillings @metoffice So the short answer to my question is that you don't know?

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

@dame_vae @gsbillings @metoffice I wasn't making a point, I was asking a question. It seems to me that twitter probably isn't a good place for weather updates in general and there's probably somewhere much more accessible for people with poor or zero sight

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

@scouseweegian Honestly, it's just a little bit windy. Maybe it'll get really bad but right now I don't see the fuss

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

@dame_vae @gsbillings @metoffice Do blind people get their weather updates from twitter?

[Kip Conlon @kipconlon]

Buddy, you just messed with the wrong guy. The guy you want to mess with is sitting over there.

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

@comes_night Chris cornell

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

@SevThPark Now you're just rubbing salt in the wound

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

*Junior Olympics*

I'd have won too if it wasn't for these medaling kids!

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

Tony Stark didnt choose his mantle. It was a mean nickname that stuck because he doesnt like creases in his clothes

[◤✞­ 𝐎𝐩𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐮𝐬 ✞◥ @opiaticus]

I dipped into my retirement fund for a big purchase and I'm pleased to announce that I am now the proud owner of an ice cream cone from an ice cream truck.

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

Me, to my friends: Yes, I do have a rather large penis

My wife, to her friends: That's a phallusy

[Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3]

4: Mommy, do the things on your phone ever end?

Me: Dear god, I hope not!

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

@MBCook2 @AnniemuMary Pretty sure all the text on that label was copied from my tinder profile

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

@ShittySuze I thought that died out with myspace

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

Me: I love you

My kid: Yes dad. Thank you

Me: ...

[Patfish Startrick @barkeractually]

@SweatyGardener @bigpoppadrunk By butcher's hook or by crook

[Lane Sperkus @LaneSperkus]

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8