Brendan Diakoulas

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

@lilroxybabe8188 Does your sink not have a p-trap?! If there’s air coming out it will probably smell really bad

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

[A rope walks into a bar]
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve ropes
[rope leaves, ties himself in half, ruffles the ends, walks back in]
Bartender: we don’t serve ropes, aren’t you a rope?
Rope: I’m a frayed knot

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

Watching the evening news is so sad that @wjz should their motto to “Live. Local. Heartbreaking.”

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

@AlexGaskarth And then you catch it mid air, right before you whack yourself in the nuts. Then you realize not all superheroes wear cups

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

‘Stuffing the turkey’ has a whole new meaning for those of you born right around Labor Day. Happy
Thanksgiving! #Thanksgiving

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

So annoying how I have to pay for a @USA_Network subscription. Pretty unpatriotic but I guess that's why they say freedom isn't free.

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

#TBT to when @instagram only had square photos and couldn't zoom. What was up with that?

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

What came first, the Prius hybrid or the Coexist bumper sticker?

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

Ok @Apple how about an alarm setting that goes off on weekdays-except for the regular holidays

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

It's with great pleasure telling you that I got a @Jeopardy question right that non of the contestants got right.

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

Today sure does seem like a long day! #SummerSolstice

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

I wish @Jeopardy were airing tonight instead of golf so I had something fun to do on this Friday night.

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

@danny_malbec What are you going to do with your TSLA shares? Time to sell?

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

Captured some slow motion lightning #Lightningstrikes

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

Thanks for the free air @Royal_Farms

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

Cars should have a feature where if your blinker is on for more than 10 seconds it shocks your seat

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

Pardon my French, but if you use the hashtag 'Let It Snow', all I see is 'Le Tits Now'

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

Are tissues called tissues because it's like issues. And it you have issues you cry, and if you cry you need a tissue?

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

Sunday- the day I crave @ChickfilA the most

[Brendan Diakoulas @bdiako1]

@lilroxybabe8188 @bobhaydensson @marcshilling I always say reed but from this point forward I'm going to say red because it makes more sense.