beverly

trill/steeze

[folks @bluntswdad]

operator: what is your emergency?
woman: please help, some men broke into my home
operator: not all men are like that, i wouldn't do that

[ian karmel @IanKarmel]

A listenable history of @KanyeWest's samples. This is so cool. http://t.co/qRxrwbFFQt

[beverly @beaverly]

@femaleproblems I happen to love yellow starburst.

[Clovis Ledbetter @secondperiod]

I keep trying to go to sleep, but Mariska Hargitay won't stop solving ALL THESE CRIMES.

[beverly @beaverly]

@ediekaemmerlen It informs you as to where "the magic happens."

[beverly @beaverly]

Just saw a band perform that was like System of a Down tried to make the Me and You and Everyone We Know soundtrack. It was AMAZING.

[beverly @beaverly]

"You can check in, but an alligator will eat your corpse before you can check out."

[Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan]

Protesting the building of mosques and a Burn-a-Quran Day? Gee, anything else we can do to prove to Al-Qaeda we ARE infidels?

[beverly @beaverly]

@ediekaemmerlen Yes! A creepy dude was trying to sneak up on me but these kids @ the gas station saw and alerted me, scared him off. :(

[beverly @beaverly]

"I could have paid HALF price for a WHOLE Asian." -DMD

[beverly @beaverly]

THESE HOUSE FLIES ARE OUT OF CONTROL, IF THERE IS A GOD WOULD HE BE SO KIND AS TO SMITE THEM ALREADY

[beverly @beaverly]

Why buy the cow when blah blah blah

[beverly @beaverly]

I hate the crusade for a new deodorant. Nothing feels right and I smell like weird, powdery, sour fruit.

[Mindy Kaling @mindykaling]

I'm constantly showing all my cards all the time. I'm like holding them backwards.

[beverly @beaverly]

@davemode GET OFF MY LAWN

[beverly @beaverly]

Embarrassed that Cee-Lo even recorded a censored version of the new jam. "Forget You," indeed.

[beverly @beaverly]

Back to work at Lush! "Yeah, moderately priced soaps are my calling."

[beverly @beaverly]

@gimmeardelle Dude. I work at a SOAP STORE and I can't bring myself to up my hygiene game. We also sell dry shampoo, so you know..

[Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan]

Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of it's breast milk!"