Samantha

Sassy. Smart. Sexy.
Ha! Just kidding, I'm pretty weird.

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

@virginmedia
Three internet outages in three weeks. I work from home - it's not acceptable. You're asking me to pay for a service that's not only non-existent half the time but could lose me my job. I'll be getting out of my contract asap.

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

@DelishDotCom I have graphic (okay, I meant erotic) dreams about exactly this kind of stuff.
🤤 🤤

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

@frogandbucket Charming. Surprising. Quite delightful! Thanks for performing for us. 😊

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

Saw a smug lefty get OWNED by a comic & a surprise Sikh.
Her: It’s ignorant to assume a man who visits Mosque is Muslim. Sikhs go to Mosque
Sikh: BULLSHIT
Comic: Welp, this is about to get interesting
Imagine having the balls to shame somebody who bullies THEMSELVES for a living

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

@PenguinUKBooks If On a Winter's Night a Traveller - Italo Calvino

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

Bought a new blazer - good times.
Discovered blazer is a size 10. No, a size 10 YEARS OLD - bad times.
I'm 28. 😑
What sort of stylish motherfuckers be running round in a pinstripe blazer at 10 anyway?
#fitslikeaglove #lifeisconfusing #smallpersonproblems #shortgirls #funsized

[Penguin Books UK @PenguinUKBooks]

‘It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.’

Herman Melville

#TuesdayThoughts

[Nick Pettigrew @Nick_Pettigrew]

What he can’t disguise is his body language. Anyone who’s drank in a rough pub with a resident bigmouth shithousing sucker-puncher will recognise it. The subtle invasions of personal space & bobbing about to put you off-guard. The faux-chummy manner.
Arsehole.

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

@Pharmacists1999 @rickygervais Please make Jack Shyt a character in your next TV show, Ricky. 😆

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

Looks like Theresa May is gearing up for another Windrush scandal – the rush of the wind behind her as they boot her treacherous, compassionless ass out the door. 😆Buh-bye.
#TheresaMayResign #ToriesOut

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

The chat between bro & sis in #thevirtues was remarkable. Not even about the words - more the weight of things unsaid, desperate to be said, too painful to ever be said. Astonishing but, then again, it's Shane Meadows, @StephenGraham73 & @helenbehan. They make this shit look easy

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

@TwoPaddocks hubba hubba 😍

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

After a few years of opening myself up to the world's opportunities - doing stuff I thought I never could - I've realised my anxiety hasn't changed. Difference is, I've stopped trying to force it from my head. It is me. I am it. Awkward & afraid but no longer embarassed to be so.

[bob mortimer @RealBobMortimer]

CAT NAMES FOR SALE:

Ron’s Liquids
Hot Chilli Whistles
Pottery and Nonsense
The Very Long Bag
Dean Gaffneys Cauldron
Lynns Windows

£8.00 p.a.

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

I must say, I'm disappointed. I've disagreed with lots of ppl on Twitter & nobody's told me I'm ugly, threatened to rape me or set my imaginary kids on fire. What's a girl got to do to get a death threat these days? 😂 
(I kid. Don't be mean to me, I'm a big wuss).
#twitternoob

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

@rickygervais You're not wrong. Buuuut, if anybody deserves a milkshake bukkake it's Farage. And isn't it beautiful to see the whole country united, clamouring to buy shakes so they can lob a liquid missile at a touring bigot? ✊#sorrynotsorry #playstupidgameswinstupidprizes #milkshakegate

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

Somebody always has to ruin it. 🙄
Nigel Farage = man who gets paid to spread racist rhetoric.
This Guy = an old bloke who should know better (as a member of the Armed Forces) but who likely has good intentions.
How hard is it to toss your milkshake at the right person, pssh.

[Piers Morgan @piersmorgan]

This elderly gentleman served in the British armed forces for 22 years.
Today he was manning a Brexit Party polling station when he was attacked & had milkshake thrown all over him.
All because he wants the result of a democratic referendum to be honoured.
Disgusting.

[ICE T @FINALLEVEL]

Message To Amazon: Now that you have regular people making your home deliveries.. Maybe they should wear a Vest with AMAZON DELIVERY on it..... I almost shot a MF creeping up to my crib last night.... Just sayin.

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

@truecrimegarage I didn't find the parents actions shifty til the dad shoehorned in that witness sighting of the black truck & 'but I also have a black truck yada yada.' Maybe a harmless slip but surely the last thing you'd want is to follow a possible lead with a reason to dismiss it. Hmm.

[Samantha @befuddled_birdy]

@notclickingthat @truecrimegarage Perhaps that was Dennis Martin in 1962? He went missing in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Somebody said they saw a child being carried off by a 'hairy figure' and, oc, the Big Foot enthusiasts went wild. https://t.co/T07XjTPnG5