Benjamin Apple

Comedy writer in Los Angeles. Formerly @LateNight, @UCB, @Ranker, @theonion, @livefromhereapm

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

Dear Diary 😢😢😢

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

Mayor Bass just texted me that it’s okay to eat all the ice cream in my fridge so it doesn’t go bad while my power is out.

“At a time like this the last thing we need to do is waste food,” she said.

Not sure if this went out to everyone or what

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@PhoebeRohrbach Hahaha tysm! I think I have it downloaded somewhere if you want to DM me for a Google Drive link. In the mean time, here is the original sketch I adapted for the show: https://t.co/g7euaLUXnp

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@moniza_hossain @MillsburyMedia SAME, I was waiting for the impromptu vocabulary lesson lol

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@saramsak @Lilie28734710 @BenjaminAppl @jbaillieu Yeah, I’m the wrong Benjamin. I also get this guy’s emails all the time lol

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@skyler_higley @TheOnion @JimSpanfeller 100% dynamite. Best of luck in whatever you do next!

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@wendythewater @Omar_Moreno1202 @jacobkabai @ohJuliatweets Open Market Operations is just the mechanism by which all the freshly printed money gets injected into the system. Mentioning OMO doesn't negate what the other person said about the Fed printing money; it's literally an integral part of what they're talking about.

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@olawunmiesan ... And it comes out that the guy had been abusing kids for decades. It was a strange combination of heartbreak, anger, and relief when I found out. I'm so thankful my parents listened to me. Thank you for listening to your daughter. Be well

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@olawunmiesan When I was 6 or 8 I told my parents I was uncomfortable with how a (highly respected) friend of the family had put his arm around me for the briefest moment during a car ride. My parents heard me and asked him not to hug me anymore. Fast forward 20 years ...

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@Cashraindance @Forever_noir_ What "reason" was there? Do you really think cops BOMBED these people because they had a megaphone and neighbors were annoyed? Does that sound logical? Or did they do it because they were an anti-capitalist display of Black solidarity — two things this society does not tolerate?

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@palmer_eldritch @bybowes Ever dyed your hair? The real color starts to grow back in about a week. If you're gonna be running forever, why commit yourself to that kind of chore when you don't have to?

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@notcapnamerica I love how he put himself in the woman’s shoes and said, “So now she’s supposed to spend the whole flight sitting right next to this man who just called her a bitch? Yeah no that’s not gonna happen.” He didn’t just avoid the conflict and let the woman deal with those feelings.

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@garrettpalm @slowspud You're both right about everything. Lakers are a good team, they also suck ass, @slowspud is blinded by hate, and Garrett's been in LA too long.

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@Phil_Lewis_ You love to see it! For anyone reading this, if you are ever in a similar emergency, pick a specific individual — any individual — and tell THEM to call 911. This helps avoid the bystander effect, where no one does the thing because they all expect someone else to do it.

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@Popeyes @MorePerfectUS He was paid in full without providing banking info? But how? Isn’t that iMpOsSiBle?

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@AShawThing_ @Bornakang And he's holding the whole thing upside down 😂 Bananas and plantains grow pointing upwards.

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@zacioprolit @Megamedium455 @WyattDuncan @Srirachachau Even Muldoon was still there willingly despite his concern. His death comes because he trusts in his own abilities as a hunter to save him. But because he did recognize the foolishness of the whole enterprise, the script grants him clarity at the moment of death (“clever girl”)

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@zacioprolit @Megamedium455 @WyattDuncan @Srirachachau Everyone in the original JP who knew what JP was and was still involved in it voluntarily, was by definition an antagonist — because the dramatic question of the story was, “Can man control nature?” Everyone who thought “Yes” died, other than Hammond (who does die in the book)

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@jfull1914 Love this whole thread, thank you for sharing. Have you read The Will To Change by Bell Hooks btw? Great deep dive into how the patriarchy fucks us up. Be well bro

[Benjamin Apple @benjaminapple]

@KodaActual @ericzhu By assuming that the first time IT remembers hearing a phrase must have been THE first time it ever happened, Bard is actually doing a pretty good job of simulating Gen-Z