Be The Cookie

he/him now on mastodon

[Be The Cookie @BeTheCookie]

Y'u can us' ap'strop'he's ho'eve' th' fu'k 'ou l'ke

[Be The Cookie @BeTheCookie]

@damnfinetweet @girl_a_whirl Thank you for this honor.

[Needy @veru_needy]

Love is wanting someone else to be happy no matter what that means for you.

[Otter (Gnome de Plume) @DinosaurBoogers]

A city boy bellies up to a cowboy bar, takes off his boots, and shakes them out. Regulars look on, their confusion turning to respect, as out tumble 7 Legos, 3 marbles, and a human tooth.

[SingleBabyMama @_SingleBabyMama]

I’ve never waxed my pubes but chemo has taken care of that for me now. I think that opens me up* to a totally new age group of guys 😂

* pun intended, duh

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

So far this new year just feels like when all the congestion somehow moves from one nostril to the other. Different but the same.

[Martin Pilgrim @MartinPilgrim1]

Travel tip- Wear all of your clothes when you go to the airport. There might be French people there and you want to get their feedback on as many of your outfits as possible.

[Elliott Downing @elliott_downing]

Judging by the negotiating prowess McCarthy has demonstrated thus far, this time next week the holdout Republicans will be going "And you'll also have to conduct all business wearing only a speedo and nipple clamps" and he'll be like "Boxer briefs, and that's my final offer."

[Jim Corbridge @MrBonMot]

If you think advertising doesn't work, think about the millions of people who think that yogurt tastes good!

[The Vanilla Gorilla 🦍 @LuckyFrog44]

Hey guys! Quick personal announcement: I'm finding this website to be increasingly toxic and negative, so I wanted to let everybody know that I'm going to keep spending the exact same amount of time on here. If you ever want to reach me, you can DM me and I'll respond instantly.

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that in its early years, Moscow was called Moscalf, so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

[Wilde Thingy @wildethingy]

I predict by the end of this year we'll have found something new to blame for everything

[Jim Corbridge @MrBonMot]

If by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.

[M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™ @MonotoneofBill]

Why did the street light compliment the woman's outfit?

Because he was pole light.

[M❍n❍t❍ne❍fBill™ @MonotoneofBill]

Marriage is what occurs when dating goes too far.

[Chet Wallop @ChetWallop]

Pronouncing M.C. Escher as McEscher, like it's a fast food meal.

[Be The Cookie @BeTheCookie]

@mrsauntiepam @marcodas146 Thank you both

[Supa Fly Hella Dope @cerealtndencies]

I'm a black Muslim female who happens to be a left handed dentist

I'm pretty much a walking hate magnet

[Be The Cookie @BeTheCookie]

@damnfinetweet @girl_a_whirl Thank you kindly

[DamnFineTweet @damnfinetweet]

Take a victory lap! Without doubt excellent. @girl_a_whirl selected @BeTheCookie's tweet. A masterpiece. https://t.co/LgmWl8LL7U

[Be The Cookie @BeTheCookie]

If you are selling kittens and puppies to the highest bidder, you are an awwwwwctioneer.