Call me Nala, the eater of Marcus' face

Trying to amuse myself. I got nothing.

[Call me Nala, the eater of Marcus' face @marcodas146]

Blew my nose so hard my eyebrows swayed

[Call me Nala, the eater of Marcus' face @marcodas146]

@Vivek4real_ If you can spend $37bn on a distraction in Iran then you're not short of money, fuck off

[Call me Nala, the eater of Marcus' face @marcodas146]

@O2 How many breaches of contract does it take to recycle a phone? You received my device on the 11th of February, didn't pay within 2-3 days. Contacted you 25th Feb after no correspondence, to be told display is damaged, it wasn't. Agreed for phone to be returned, it wasn't.

[Blather Wince Repeat @xerxesbigboy]

I was in baked goods before realizing I’ve dragged my smart car into Costco with me. Forgot to unbuckle the seatbelt — again.

[Geraint @geraintgriffith]

That's the trouble with optimism: it's bollocks.

[Call me Nala, the eater of Marcus' face @marcodas146]

https://t.co/T3t4L5sb7f

[Kip Conlon @kipconlon]

My good nature and low intelligence are why I don’t have trust issues.

[Natasha Something @IfIwassomething]

It's subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

[Call me Nala, the eater of Marcus' face @marcodas146]

My most successful grass seed collection day ever!

[Marly @VerbsRProudest]

*narrowing eyes* Say "quaint" one more time.

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

If you have two accounts here now you can call it TwiX ha ha ha *catapults phone into the sun

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

I didn't even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

I would say no

[Call me Nala, the eater of Marcus' face @marcodas146]

Happy birthday @mrsauntiepam may all your nugget fantasies come true and you get to them before I do

[Mental Masochist @SentientSadist]

Went to swat a gnat and accidentally clapped when I missed, then it bowed and did some mid air backflips.
So now we're friends.

[Μαρια Κιτρινη @greek_heanen]

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?