Mental Masochist

Ambers love was like a marble.

[Mental Masochist @SentientSadist]

They said "we have to address the elephant in the room" at my intervention and I'm like you're the delusional ones seeing invisible animals.
Then I high fived it and rode it the fuck out of there.

[Mental Masochist @SentientSadist]

Don't ask me what's high on my priority list.
Everything on my priority list is high on something.

[Mental Masochist @SentientSadist]

Me: Time to sleep.

My mind: Time to open the gates of your heart and search the depths of your soul.

[Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks]

Hey that's my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

[Larry’s Twin 99 @LarrysTwin99]

Baste your turkey in CBD oil so everyone at the table chills the fuck out

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

Anywhere you go in San Antonio, you can smell refried beans in the air, and it’s pretty fucking great, to be honest.

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

In Canada our advent calendars are filled with 24 tiny bottles of maple syrup

[Sprinkles the clown 🇨🇦 @fozzie4prez]

I went for a conjugal visit but didn't get conjugated

[Sprinkles the clown 🇨🇦 @fozzie4prez]

Go away, I'm introverting

[Mental Masochist @SentientSadist]

@Conchvegas1 Yeah man. Mine never turns off.

[𝑽𝒆𝒈𝒂𝒔 🇨🇦 'V 𝑴𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒚' 🔥 @Conchvegas1]

Forget about fight or flight, I fidget

[𝑽𝒆𝒈𝒂𝒔 🇨🇦 'V 𝑴𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒚' 🔥 @Conchvegas1]

I think sometimes we all need one of those big maps with the dot saying you are here when making decisions

[𝑽𝒆𝒈𝒂𝒔 🇨🇦 'V 𝑴𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒚' 🔥 @Conchvegas1]

What is pain but the warning light on life's dashboard

[ANAÏS NINJA @michikoconuts]

Don’t you hate it when you carry on a whole relationship with someone and they don’t notice?

[OL BOO COCKY™ @ol_boo_cocky]

*stumps toe

OUCH! WTF WAS THAT?

*stumps other toe on the same object

[i @tulobh]

Where them motherfucking aliens at? This is some fuckin bullshit!

[Cat From Nowhere @kv8]

Brand loyalty is so embarrassing.
There, I said it.

[𝕂𝕒𝕪, 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕜𝕖𝕖𝕡𝕖𝕣 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕜𝕖𝕪𝕤 @BabyAblaze]

I’m pretty sure my body’s check engine light is on.

[A Million Little Things @UnseenShreds1]

She asked for a gift that can last for a year. So I gave her a calendar.

Stay tuned to more relationship advice

[Darla @ddsmidt]

Sometimes I pretend I know what people are talking about just to get them to stop explaining.