Confession: I scan my Kroger card after I scan all my groceries because it’s fun to watch all the monies be taken off...it’s like a game.
It’s sad that this is the kind of thing that brings you joy when you adult.
*gets pulled over*
*leans close to air vents with eyes wide open to get some tears rolling*
“Sorry I’m a little emotional officer, I’ve never been pulled over”
Comes back after running my license: “it says that you’ve been pulled over 20 times, you almost had me”
Dang
Once my brother put me on Craig’s List as a “Slightly Used Hooker”. Idk what’s worse, that he used my actual picture or that my price was only $5.27..... https://t.co/MhyOl4fsxh
If I hear one more person say “I wasn’t impressed with her dress” 🤦🏼♀️ SHES ABSOLUTELY GROEGOUS STUNNING CLASSIC AND ABOVE ALL ELSE MARRIED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE. She’s prolly not impressed with your 1 bedroom apartment Helen. She sleeps in a castle now. https://t.co/9Lin0HvP5R