The Blakening

I think I'm doing pretty good for a 15 year old with a wife and a baby

[The Blakening @blakenglasses]

have you ever used a whole stick of chapstick

[Matt "Matt" Watson @matthwatson]

Alright I might have to go over there and stop this Ukraine stuff

[Jomboy Media @JomboyMedia]

Those are two clean knockouts

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Stop Sign Taking Forever To Change https://t.co/BVgPfdeZMG

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Queen Elizabeth Hoping She Dies Before Having To Knight Any DJs https://t.co/cq1rmg4S00

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Bill Gates Announces He’s Donating Entire Charity To Fortune https://t.co/ycnwFVBq6o

[Matt "Matt" Watson @matthwatson]

(SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY) Need help developing an app. It allows you to track where you’ve pissed in the sink. What restaurants, buildings, etc. You can review and leave notes (sink a little too high, etc) and track on a map.

[The Onion @TheOnion]

“We’re both very private people, and that helps us keep our intimacy. A lot of people don’t even realize we’ve been married for 15 years.” https://t.co/ZLYAkPFqUQ

[eat soup @jasminericegirl]

i'm deleting tinder

[The Blakening @blakenglasses]

@SPENCER_durler How can I be a sponsor?

[The Onion @TheOnion]

MUST SEE: 10 AMAZING, Totally WTF Brick Photos (NSFW) https://t.co/3LIEjk3s31

[The Blakening @blakenglasses]

I am being forced to share this so that I can get free stock #Webull https://t.co/uOJNdbU3jW

[Meme Economy Reddit @MemeInvestorHQ]

Oh no 🤦🏾‍♀️

[Elon Musk @elonmusk]

SpaceX is going to put a literal Dogecoin on the literal moon

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Omaha Steaks Announces Plan To Give 18 Weeks Of Maternity Leave To Cows https://t.co/7En2zPYD1A

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Stress Of Presidency Already Ages Biden 10 Years https://t.co/GOWnaxkvFa

[The Onion @TheOnion]

‘Can You Trust Anything You See?’ Says Jack Dorsey, Shapeshifting Into Cat During Congressional Testimony On Misinformation https://t.co/UJ01gq7ZrX

[The Blakening @blakenglasses]

You know you're out of shape when you walk out of the elevator breathing heavy

[The Blakening @blakenglasses]

After 4 hours of build up, the end of the Justice League Snyder cut pays off immensely.

Not trying to spoil anything, but batman says a naughty no-no word