Bill

Born nude and unable to provide for himself, Bill eventually overcame these handicaps enough to help two others with the same predicament.

[Bill @boobill]

@_VVLS_ That almost made it look like we had a Team Canada plan, but we didn't even discuss it. Had we, we'd probably encouraged a couple guys to do the southern route to cover. In the end, north by a landslide.

[Bill @boobill]

@_VVLS_ Pretty cool

[Bill @boobill]

@RebeccaRush639 The dog is free. Fire the rest.

[Bill @boobill]

I watch Men’s golf, cause wow, I’d love to do that. I watch women’s golf, cause wow, I’d love to do that.

[Bill @boobill]

@JRHonF1 Sad

[Bill @boobill]

Just woke up from a nap all confused. Disappointed to realize it’s 5:30 Saturday night, not Sunday morning. 17 and a half hours till football.

[Bill @boobill]

The Seahawks uniforms are so ugly they hurt my feelings. #ColorRush

[Bill @boobill]

"You’ll find happiness at a Thai restaurant. Ask for a takeaway box" predicts @OpenTable. #Appiversary8Contest https://t.co/hRuGxBDv1r

[Bill @boobill]

When someone post about their missing pet on Facebook, reply with a picture of random roadkill and say, "found him!"

[Bill @boobill]

Thanks to the NFL wearing pink during October, I am now aware of women with lumpy breasts.

[Bill @boobill]

You want me to do the ice bucket challenge. How about you donate the $100 bucks to ALS. Now I'm obligated to pass it on. #IceBucketChallenge

[Bill @boobill]

@ggmmertens Yup. I don't have to say that to either of my two wonderful children. They both know.

[Pete C @peteec]

Had a dream I was eating Taco Bell breakfast and woke up relieved that I was actually just choking on my own vomit.

[Bill @boobill]

I like to break the ice when the health inspector drops in by asking if the 5 second rule is a real thing.

[Bill @boobill]

As close as I get to sexting is playing dirty words in Words With Friends matches against women.

[Bill @boobill]

Even the most annoying person has a mute button. It’s located in the middle of their face. You just have to punch it hard enough.

[Bill @boobill]

“What’s up? <pause> Not your eyes apparently.” - Busty woman to me, just now.

[Bill @boobill]

-2 temp on the field. I'm surprised these guys don't cuddle for a bit after the tackle.

[Bill @boobill]

If you think buying a Bugatti is a good way to piss away a million dollar, try buying a restaurant.

[Bill @boobill]

Thanks so much to the very funny @Carmel_Coleman for bestowing my 100th ToTD award.