Pete C

I am a human living in the year 2026

[Pete C @peteec]

@TheoVon @hopeXmeta Buddy, next time you’re at the Del Taco drive thru at 2am and see a 6 or above in the window? She’s the one. Work ethic and whatnot.

[Sal the Agorist @SallyMayweather]

22 yrs ago today, after a long zoning dispute with local officials that ruined his business, welder Marvin Heemeyer had enough & created the Killdozer.

He destroyed the mayor’s house, the judge’s house, town hall, the police station, & the bank - while avoiding hurting civilians or their property.

Happy Killdozer Day to those who celebrate 🎊

[Pete C @peteec]

@Ben_grows If someone said that around me I’d react like a chaperone at a mid grade prom.

[Pete C @peteec]

@redban @Apple It’s an @Apple feature to keep you off your phone while on vacation, you can easily disable it in your settings bro

[Pete C @peteec]

@kimberlycongdon Awww you named him after me!!!

[Pete C @peteec]

@axifyclipping_ This is Don Barris, he’s a comedian, this is clickbait. He also said he discovered her when he first got his computer which has to be about six years old…

[Pete C @peteec]

The first person to make biscuits and gravy must’ve been like “Hey what if we put some wet flour on some dry flour?”

[Pete C @peteec]

@savage_gardenz I did this once for fun, had two the same size on 2x8 benches. Was Tangie from @DNAGenetics

[Pete C @peteec]

My dad used to say “I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it!” I wasn’t really familiar with laws and stuff at that age but just realized, that’s illegal! He was saying he would murder me!

[Pete C @peteec]

I hear about people buying stuff on the dark web but how do you even get on the dark web? Is it just dww. whatever dot com? dwww. ? Lemme know, I’m looking for drugs and whatnot.

[Pete C @peteec]

Last week I told my son that he couldn’t drink out of my cup because I was drinkin poison. Now every time he sees me drinking out of that cup he’s like “Daddy are you drinkin your poison?!” What a f-in buzzkill

[Pete C @peteec]

@ZephyraLeigh You make this @redban?

[Pete C @peteec]

Lightweight wish my name would pop up in the files so I’d have to resign from my job.

[Pete C @peteec]

The Pima County Sheriff's Department is now reporting that 95 year old Charles Augustus Lindbergh Jr is the main suspect in the Nancy Guthrie disappearance.

[David Hookstead @dhookstead]

Trump bombing Iran during the Super Bowl halftime show so NBC is forced to cut away from Bad Bunny might be the funniest thing he could possibly do.

[Pete C @peteec]

Until very recently I thought burlesque was the French word for fat stripper.

[Pete C @peteec]

If that the lady who got shot today turns out to be the CEO of a major health insurance company some of you are going to be left in quite a quandary.

[Zach @jestermaxxing]

Calling the number on the for rent sign and making dolphin noises

[The Iron Sheik @the_ironsheik]

IF YOU PROMOTE THE VIOLENCE ON THE TWITTER I BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU PUT YOU IN THE CAMEL CLUTCH AND BREAK YOUR FUCKING BACK AND MAKE YOU HUMBLE.