bradjpet

writer, editor, designer. recovering adjunct. have acted and screenwritten. shopping a book. have been surfing.

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@Flat6forever If anything is going to draw the pitchforks back out it could just be this

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A splinter always seems huge until you remove it.

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First time having skittles gummies. Someone should be jobless.

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Attn: guys wondering which art form to take up

In years past, I've written poems for my wife

This Valentine's Day, I wrote and played her a song

Guess which went over a million times better

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Well I just added some vodka to a nonalcoholic beer and I think I've pinpointed the issue

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TIL trees grown in a dome will fall over from their own weakness. Growing trees require wind to become strong.

[Twisted Sitcom @TwistedSitcom]

Husband: Any resolutions this year, honey?

Wife: Yeah. Have more headaches.

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“Voicey” fiction just means using “fucking” as an adjective a lot.

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Tweets that both make and miss the point for $100 please

[NYTPitchbot @DougJBalloon]

I can't afford eggs, my kid has the whooping cough, and the data center down the road has caused my electricity bill to triple. But at least the mascot for my town's high-school football team is still a drunk guy dressed up as an American Indian.

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Are people who are doing cocaine ever as discreet as we think we are?

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Actor: So, am I being pathetically obsequious here or am I manipulating the president via flattery?

Director: Yes.

A: And it's landing, or does the president kinda hate it?

D: Yes.

A: And everyone including the audience knows the score.

D: Yep. Places, everybody. From one.

[Rapid Response 47 @RapidResponse47]

.@SecRubio: "For the first time in probably 4 decades, the American foreign policy is driven by what is good for America and Americans... and that sort of clarity is transformational."

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@robert_zubrin @michaelshermer @TheRickWilson @clairlemon @ClaireBerlinski @AdamKinzinger Like seriously, you have the words “freethinker” and “liberty” in your bio smdh

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@robert_zubrin @michaelshermer @TheRickWilson @clairlemon @ClaireBerlinski @AdamKinzinger Quoting the controlled substances act as a dependable authority on drug safety and utility … not exactly the most scientifically literate move to make there, mister science article guy.

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How much more do you know about New York mayoral elections than your own town's?

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How much of what you ascribe to birds is in fact squirrels?

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Prune juice: how?

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Of course, we love the agents

/posterity

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Literary agent: I like this and this and specifically this and give me this crossed with this and a retelling of this that takes place here in this particular time featuring this exact character and do not send me this, this, or especially this and never this. Also, surprise me!

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@DrKasko The worst

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This tweet slaps

[Bill Chuck is Billy-Ball @BillyBall]

Six consecutive Will Smith championships

2020: LA DODGERS - Catcher Will Smith
2021: Atlanta Braves - Pitcher Will Smith
2022: Houston Astros - Pitcher Will Smith
2023: Texas Rangers - Pitcher Will Smith
2024: LA DODGERS - Catcher Will Smith
2025: LA DODGERS - Catcher Will Smith

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@thefoodbabe Tell us about that penitent voicemail you got from Big Yoga Mat