Brainy Bear

Just trying to share my PhD in Happiness

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

[Sexy Vince (Top 100%) @mortimermaiden]

The priest places the wafer on my tongue and intones: "The Body of Christ." I quickly replace it with a bagel bite while his back is turned.

[dick snickers @smithsara79]

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn't you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

[AtticusFinch79 @AtticusFinch79]

[eclipse]
*dad clutches his chest*
Me:Dad, you're hav...
Dad:Say it
M: *looks away* A total eclipse of the heart
D:Turn around bright eyes

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

This solar eclipse has me all giddy as a galileo rn

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

ME: i feel like i began to be unfaithful to you when we had the kids

MATTRESS: i'm listening...

[Burgess & Basil @praisecheese]

Currently hiking the path of totality.

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

Drinks a beer.
Solves a a crossword.

Looking at empty bottle: well well

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

*flys trapped in spilled maple syrup*
Fly: get your proboscis into it boys!!
[behind them a spider coming in fast on a zip line]

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

ME: a burrito with ...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
... beans & guac

CHIPOTLE KID: huge pause!

ME: *proudly* yup, had em my whole life

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

SON: a 🥕a day keeps the doctor away?
*fighting off OBGYN & a proctologist with carrot katanas
ME:Go for the eyes!
SON: they're bad for eyes?

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

I don't have a To Do list
I have a Ta Da! list instead

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

ME: where the h*ck is all this mildew coming from?

MILDRED: so scared rn!

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

@SEvans_author @CheesyHotlinks Oh you are ever so welcome

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

@CheesyHotlinks https://t.co/rXNjuPzOMJ

https://t.co/YrKHF36QYO

https://t.co/9hPOt6nKXp

[Stephen C. Evans @C00LpenNAME]

Kills 99.9% of germs.
Leaves 0.1% alive to warn the others...

[Stephen C. Evans @C00LpenNAME]

Kills 99.9% of germs.
Leaves 0.1% alive to warn the others...

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

ME: i feel like i began to be unfaithful to you when we had the kids

MATTRESS: i'm listening...

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

ME: where the h*ck is all this mildew coming from?

MILDRED: so scared rn!

[Brainy Bear @Brainy_Bear]

[cheating husband]

HIM: xylophone! *pockets full of letters*
WIFE: so good at scrabble
HIM: I am good at everything Sandra
WIFE: I'm Jackie

[schmox @IvoryGazelle]

[talking to annoying guy who doesn't know the word annoying]

me: you're annoying
him: what's an "oying?"