Sexy Vince (Top 100%)

wife material

[Sexy Vince (Top 100%) @mortimermaiden]

[climbing a majestic oak as I often did in youthful summers of yore, with the wind choreographing the leaves in their lively jig and the branches shifting beneath my feet like the wooden planks of a ship at sea] where the FUCK is my car

[Abam @AdamBroud]

[whispering to lifeguard as he cradles me] did I drink it all?

[April Clark @autogynefiles]

Best part of thanksgiving is the “walk” with your cousins before dinner 🥰 the only day of the year i KNOW i’m getting laid

[𝚔𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚛𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝚕𝚘𝚋𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛 @KLobstar]

[running out of hotdogs causing one of the raccoons I’ve given a loaded gun to to turn on me] oh no

[wint @dril]

i truly believe that i will usher in a new era of peace and prosperity when i get every single post on hthis fucking website deleted by 2022

[Sexy Vince (Top 100%) @mortimermaiden]

@markedly what am I to tell my nephew? his birthday party is today and all his friends have brought weapons, per the invite.

[Emma Manzini @EmmaManzini]

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

[Sexy Vince (Top 100%) @mortimermaiden]

@grillyjoel @MarfSalvador human centipede is a pretty accurate description of twitter/social media generally

[Sexy Vince (Top 100%) @mortimermaiden]

poop

[trash jones @jzux]

{pointing a rifle at the night sky} goodnight moon

[Harrison Weinreb @harriweinreb]

Wasn’t surprised when the second plane hit on 9/11. With a crime that infamous, there was bound to be copycats

[Sexy Vince (Top 100%) @mortimermaiden]

do NOT fight Sojourner Truth

[Kyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji]

I hope my ghost and my skeleton will stay friends after I die

[Olly iConic @OllyiConic]

as a kid i had to move around a lot because my dad threw things at me

[Sexy Vince (Top 100%) @mortimermaiden]

@kyle_eggplant

[chip malfunction @online_shawn]

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald's you get to meet the manager

[jo @whatsJo]

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

me: is this the part where you hit me in the knee with your little hammer

judge: no

[Caitlin @caithuls]

Overnight Oats sounds like the name of a racehorse who sucks