Anthony McHats

wheelie popper

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

[trying to impress my date with a home cooked meal] you'll notice some of them are in the shape of dinosaurs

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

shocked to find these behind the vasectomy clinic

[Bummer T. Vibes, Esq @VibesBummer]

I think that inside centipedes are hundreds of tiny people rowing.

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

I noticed a bee in my car so I stopped and got out and then it drove away

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

ok I'll byte what is a "data center"

[Bummer T. Vibes, Esq @VibesBummer]

Garlic bread on a giant roll that you just tear off like paper towel

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

me: I want to increase the height of all my door openings

home remodeler: have you considered not wearing stilts

[Brad the Mailman 📫 @Bradthemailman]

There is nobody more excited and enthusiastic than people getting new windows on tv commercials

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua died from diarrhea. They don’t like to talk about that.

[Bummer T. Vibes, Esq @VibesBummer]

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen?
Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

me: [administering ultrasound] would you like to know the sex of your baby

her: I just want to be sure it's ok

me: yes we're allowed to share that with every expectant mother

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

[funeral]

me: *solemnly places flowers on coffin*

widow: is that a lei

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

[looking deeply into each other’s eyes]

me: where is all this headed

optometrist: glaucoma

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

me: can you give me an epidural first

optometrist: [holding eye dropper] it's not that kind of dilation

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

@john_malone 😂😂

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

me: [eating 9th cocktail weenie] these should come with little buns like baby hot dogs

lady at costco giving away samples: you're only supposed to take one

[Bummer T. Vibes, Esq @VibesBummer]

You used to be able to live inside a whale on a single income, without a college degree.

[FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud]

ME: Why did they call it the endocrine system and not the secrete service

SURGEON: How are you still even awake?

[meghan @deloisivete]

Shout out to the mom who signed up for paper plates within seconds of the class end-of-year party list going live

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

me: can you give me an epidural first

optometrist: [holding eye dropper] it's not that kind of dilation

[Anthony McHats @TheHatStore]

me: [eating tapeworms] I'm just getting hungrier