olive

➡️

[olive @offbeatoliv]

me: what’s wrong with me

therapist: [looking thru notes]
you’re the worst

[olive @offbeatoliv]

disgusting if literal: a stream of piss

[Kellalena @topaz_kell]

Sprayed my text with perfume in hopes of seducing you.

[TattleTaleSister @TattleTSister]

Maybe one day, if I’m a very good girl, someone will actually be afraid of losing me for once.

[Jack Boot @IamJackBoot]

I love the New Year's Eve countdown. All the best parties end with math.

[Felicia @LostFelicia]

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven't seen it since.

[Hand Solo™ @RdrJay47]

How come Greg Olsen looks like Bill Hader doing a football player skit?

[olive @offbeatoliv]

The bad news: my friend’s son got busted for smoking weed in the bathroom of a Spirit Airlines airplane

The good news: he’s banned from Spirit Airlines for life

[Emma Beasley🐝 @JustBeingEmma]

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl - the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

[ES @ESXIII]

There’s a huge difference between “I’m happy I read that book” and “I’m happy I finished that book.”

[Uptown Schmuck @SchmuckOnAHorse]

At my age, even jumping to conclusions gives me knee pain.

[M🔴T @JusyMot]

not my best year but
i have learned a lot

[Wondering @stillwondering1]

Things keep happening, so far, without end.

[Tusk Jenkins @TuskJenkins]

Happy everything to those who omnibrate

[Μαρια Κιτρινη @greek_heanen]

Welcome to your forties! You're gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

[olive @offbeatoliv]

@Farrsigh @SaltyMacTavish 🫡

[olive @offbeatoliv]

Can someone please tell me if my neighbor’s name is R.J. or J.R. I have no idea.

[olive @offbeatoliv]

@ReWrite02436493 Lolol yep

[olive @offbeatoliv]

If you don’t recognize me I’m the one with the sensible shoes.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

I rarely wear my wedding ring because I don't care for rings. Downside: I have nothing to hurl in anger.