Joel the Forklift!

Let’s do this, people

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

[Bummer T. Vibes, Esq @VibesBummer]

I think that inside centipedes are hundreds of tiny people rowing.

[Rads @_radsy]

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

surgeon: I inserted a stent

me: oh cool, so you didn’t have to do anything lol

surgeon:

me: copyediting joke lol

surgeon:

me: bc stet lol

surgeon: you owe $100,000 lol

[Mowgli @Holy_Mowgli]

[seeing a sexy telescope] hubble hubble

[Brendan O'Hare @brendohare]

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you're having them for dinner

[Mowgli @Holy_Mowgli]

mawmaw’s in a vegetative state? you mean like idaho?

[Adrenalin @adrenalindenver]

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means...
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

[six minutes into a rock opera]

me: *glaring* these are people, not rocks

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain...

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he's ready for the rice now

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

her: what should we do for our date tonight

me: {remembers that girls like to be descaled every 6 weeks} well I’ve got white vinegar under the sink if you need descaling

her: what

me: {remembers I sometimes think of Keurig maintenance tips accidentally when I’m nervous} oh no

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

ME: barkeep, one entendre please

BARTENDER: will that be all sir

ME: hmm, better make it a double

BARTENDER: will that finish you off sir

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

TINDER DATE: oh wow, you’re way better looking than in your profile pic

DORIAN GRAY: yeah I get that a lot actually

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

who called him Frankenstein and not Michael Bolt-on

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

ezra: okay

better than ezra: good

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

Movie Executive: good news boys, Fast and Furious 9 was a hit so we’re going to do another one

Marketing Person: 😊

Vin Diesel: and we’re gonna call it… Fast X

Marketing Person: {slides full-color “FasTEN Your Seatbelts!” poster mock-up back into manila folder} oh nice

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

*watching The Haunted Mansion and the lead actors arrive at the door of a haunted mansion*

ME: {nodding} as promised

[Joel the Forklift! @grillyjoel]

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