bran aground

may the tranquil waters of my private pond bring you stillness and peace

[bran aground @bran_aground]

The time will come when Winter will ask, why is the porn free? Why does the free porn stop buffering once you remove your thumb from the front-facing camera? Where is your phone’s rear wide-angle lens pointed while you’re watching free porn?

[bran aground @bran_aground]

Due to an editing error while watching film, I’ve discovered that I urgently need to listen to the Impossible Game’s “Fire Aura” played at 50% speed at an alt/goth strip club🧛🏻‍♀️

[bran aground @bran_aground]

this Giving Tuesday I will be giving some of you folks a little piece of my mind!

[bran aground @bran_aground]

@liIpochaco I could’ve sat for another 40 minutes of goop and hair at the end

[bran aground @bran_aground]

Farted beneath my new $200 blanket and it is now worthless

[bran aground @bran_aground]

I was looking for a PAWG and then I found a PAWG, and heaven knows I’m miserable now

[bran aground @bran_aground]

This Halloween I am finally at peace with my ghoulish peneous. It was never meant to be beautiful; it is merely an appendage for efficiently blasting goop through a clenched ring of fibromuscular tissue the size of a quarter dollar🕊️🦇

[bran aground @bran_aground]

I never see you at the shrimposium

[deedee megadoodoo @givemebudlight]

what are they discussing

[bran aground @bran_aground]

Oh fuck! SHIT! I came into the toilet forgetting it already contained Lysol bowl cleaner, urine, pubic hair, weed ash, and a small turd! It’s erupted into a frothing hellmouth and a creature resembling Mandy Muse is now emerging! It’s calling me father- it wants to be held!

[bran aground @bran_aground]

Pleash let me coom in it so I may have a little fellow 👨🏻‍🍼

[bran aground @bran_aground]

What about a dry Dude Wipe™️ for removing the tears from my eyes after a Bumble Fumble, and the blood from my hands when I kill their dog!!?

[bran aground @bran_aground]

@NFLStreetVol2 buddy I want the whole Rust-Oleum can

[bran aground @bran_aground]

There are many people out there, who by the nature of their work, stand close to several individuals, and thus could do the world a great service by grabbing a pen or pencil, and putting it, repeatedly, into a place that would typically be unusual for such writing implements!

[bran aground @bran_aground]

They want you back in the office so they can sexually harass you! You’re sitting at home doing your job well, and they’re mad that they can’t see the shape of your ass!

[bran aground @bran_aground]

@liIpochaco HUAH

[bran aground @bran_aground]

No option to tell them I have chemical burns on my penis from Tresemmé hair conditioner?

[bran aground @bran_aground]

Saint Rita, protect my ex-wife and her marriage to the D3 football head coach.. may the winning seasons be plentiful and the OVI offenses few. May the drywall be thick, and the china cabinet securely anchored

[bran aground @bran_aground]

@JeremyFragrance Jeremy, have you considered researching fragrance from ancient Judea? It would be fascinating to know what Christ might have smelled like. Thank you and God Bless!

[bran aground @bran_aground]

Pussy from a girl

[bran aground @bran_aground]

Victorinox pocket-pussy with foldable vulva, anus, mouth, and most importantly, a hand for holding 👫