Brandy Ford

I like witty banter and sunshine. Pencils and typewriters make me feel all fluttery inside. Yep. I’m nerdy & I nerd it. I also write things.

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

“I’m going to hop in the shower,” says Kid. Dramatic Mom Pause. “Ok, but I prefer to stand.”Kid stares. Kid shakes head. Kid shuts bathroom door in Mom’s face. Mom high-fives herself. “That was funny, eh? Admit it!”Kid turns up music & does not admit it. But Mom knows she’s epic.

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Clearing clutterw/Ry Inadvertently made direct eye contact w/an adorable puffer fish beanie she put in yard sale pile. Now I’m secretly orchestrating escapes & setting up new lives for stuffies under my bed.
#springcleaning #yardsale #momlife #clearclutter #beaniebabies

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

https://t.co/KyGjYtzmJO

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Just spent an hour convincing 4 strangers to perform the intro of Brooklyn 99’s Backstreet Boys with me in front of the room at the wedding to get syd & zach to kiss. Either the drinks kicked in or I am totally epic. I was #1. You are my fireeee.

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Ever been stuck on a bus with a bunch of elementary school boys playing some sort of Game of Farts for points? Air quality level is -90 right now, my eyes are stinging & I am trapped in this vessel for another hour. #classtrip #farts #momlife

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Success! I did not misplace any of my kids, made it back to the bus 10 minutes EARLY and even rescued some lost kid along the way. Yet, apparently, I don’t get any kind of reward for this. Apparently this is just what “normal” people do?

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

“Oh my god! It’s Linus!” Geeked out & made my group get a pic with him. They had more of a #charliebrown “good grief” energy, but we got the shot! Wait a minute- Holy crap! Is that #snoopy ?! Let’s go, kids! @WonderlandNews #classtrip #momlife #smile

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Need to meet bus at 4:45 & now I’m a little stressed. I’M the responsible one? Bet I need to bring home the same 4 kids I started with too. Did a head count & all seem to be here. In fact, I’ve added a stray or two. Rather have too many kids than not enough. Right? #momlife

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Was offered a piece of #thrillsgum & excitedly shouted “soap gum!” in unison with a kid & made them all laugh with my wit. We’re bonded. I’m a cool kid now. I’ve waited my whole life for this. @WonderlandNews #classtrip #momlife #soapgum #coolkid #laughatme

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Heading to @WonderlandNews right now on a #classtrip with my kid. In a span of 10 min I have embarrassed her at least 21 times. #coachbus #momlife

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Ever have to run out on your front deck wrapped in nothing but a bath towel and wave casually to the neighbours because the damn puppy escaped the back yard?
Umm. Yeah. Me neither. Ugh.
#thisismylife #puppylife #nakedinthefrontyard

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

ME: 5 months ago, organizing all the winter stuff into very specific bags, “You’re a genius! No scrambling THIS year when the snow comes!”
ME: now, searching in closets, under beds and even the fkn fridge, “Where the hell are my damn boots!” #adhd #momtweets #thestruggleisreal

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Marketing scams like this infuriate me! I came here specifically for the infants. Now you’re telling me they aren’t even included? The hell am I supposed to with all the really tiny shoes I just bought? #falseadvertisement #outofcontext #shoes #infants #shoesale

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

“Those are some nice dowels.” is a sentence I just said to myself in the #reusestore.
My urge to grab at least 10 of them for some unknown future project is overwhelming. #crafters #dowels #helpme #whatadeal.

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Me: eats cereal directly from the box.
Also Me: gets excited about a serving tray I see on sale & think of all the opportunities I’ve missed in life. Not owning this item
is obviously why I don’t get served breakfast in bed!
Hell ya! I’m a fancy person now, ya’ll!

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

It’s not Christmas until Dave cooks the turkey….#thevinylcafe #dave #stuartmclean #christmas #christmasstories

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Make a list?Check.
Mentally prepare for interactions with stressed out crowds? Check.
Remember to put on pants? Yeah. I’m gonna have to circle back on that.
I mean pjs are practically stand-ins for sweats when you work from home, so I’m good, right? #fml #momlife #christmas

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

When you think you have one more day to “get it all done” & they cancel school due to a pending snowstorm. Way to accelerate my procrastination process, Mother Nature. Seriously. Go have a cup of tea with Mrs. Claus & your sons the Miser brothers & lighten up on the flurries…

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Me & my kid waiting in school for show to start.
Me: Let’s get a selfie together!
She glances around to make sure no-one sees and “hurries” me up. Which, as you know, guarantees I’m gonna do this all night now. She looks more miserable than Grinch before his heart grew 3 sizes.

[Brandy Ford @brandyford]

Go check out all the #christmasstories #comedy #writers #santa

[The-Writer-and-The-Wit @Writer_and_Wit]

Check out the second #christmas #story this time with #davesokolowski #comedian #actor #musician #writer #santa #thewriterandthewit #magical #quotes #christmasquotes #holidays #joy #christmasinterview
Read the story here: https://t.co/sFXMmQaWUe