Bree Jones Comedian

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

I hate a baby bang. There! I said it.

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

I'll love myself again when my elbows are outties.

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

Left John Mulaney's show tonight wanting to try cocaine.
@mulaney #youonlyliveonce

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

@mariabamfoo My cat's face when she hears thunder.

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

@macklemore @Spotify 10?! Shut up! 10? How did that happen?

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

My fart noises are getting more laughs than a well crafted joke. My new merch should be a whoopie cushion.

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

You guys remember when you had to turn the whole phone around to get a selfie?!

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

Kids can keep their Easter Bunny and tooth fairy and Santa. I just want a sandwich genie!
I would just like 3 free sandwiches a year to appear please and thank you.
🥪 🥪 🥪 🧞

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

Turns out you get more complements on your tattoo when you show your tattoo. #tanktopsforthewin

[Dalai Lama @DalaiLama]

Like anyone else, I too have anger in me. However, I try to recall that anger is a destructive emotion. Scientists say anger is bad for our health; it eats into our immune system. It destroys our peace of mind. We shouldn't welcome it or think of it as natural or as a friend.

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

Saw 2 cows doin’ “IT” next to the grocery store this afternoon! That’s some Idaho porn.
#getsomebetsy 🐄🐂

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

Love is memorizing your partner’s phone number

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

I was invited to go line dancing today... so that’s how MY Monday is going 🙄 #whywouldi #hardpass #idontdocountry #Macarena4Life

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

When you gross, misogynist co-worker comments, “it smells funny in here...” and you’ve been crop dusting him all morning 😈💨
#girlscanfarttoo

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

But imagine if an ostrich COULD fly.

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

Thirsty Alert! Is anyone else being bombarded with these #quibi ads?! I see multiple ads on multiple platforms everyday. It's starting to feel desperate. Chill out Quibi, damn. https://t.co/utE61eDHJJ

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

My goal for quarantine is to not cut bangs. 😳

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

#sniffles #stoneage #iusepenandpapernow
#postedfromapc https://t.co/dZUvP2G3t7

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

With everything going on, a lot of shows are being rescheduled. As of now I will not be in any shows through the rest of March. We will be working on ways to get you fine folks some jokes through this hard/boring… https://t.co/ITY9R2vHLn

[Bree Jones Comedian @breeamused]

I'm so excited to be teaching a class with fulltiltimprov 👩‍🏫 I did improv for a while before my first open mic, and I think it made all the difference. Who is ready to nerd out over comedy, but more importantly… https://t.co/Rqkstw9JOT