Brian C. Thayer

Yes, I look like that guy you know. I’m not him. I just have a generic face.

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

Routines can be helpful in times like these.

I start every day by drinking a cup of coffee and hurling withering insults at nearby squirrels.

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

Landed on the moon in 1969, but @NFL commentators still need coats in their booth.

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

Seems like an opportune moment for Messi to convert GOAT status into a career change as the new CEO of Twitter.

[jo @whatsJo]

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

Imagine being so bougie that you use a real glass for your mouthwash instead of the cap.

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

New Discovery Channel series “long haul poopers” airs every morning at 8am

[stACED @girl_a_whirl]

@NerdJokeTuesday @damnfinetweet https://t.co/7jx4aUNc68 me tweeting like @briancthayer in a contest once upon a time

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

@girl_a_whirl @NerdJokeTuesday @damnfinetweet Lol

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

Someone is bound to disagree, but I can’t think of a greater disappointment in 2020 than Space Force.

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

@jessokfine Ted Lasso is the best part of 2020. (Apple+)

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

@Nate_Mace lol

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

.@GStephanopoulos did his job tonight.

@SavannahGuthrie did her job and Chris Wallace’s. And Susan Page’s.

[Northern Lights 🦖🐢🐸 @PinkCamoTO]

The pandemic better end soon.

I'm running out of home improvement projects that don't require me to learn any real skills.

[Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks]

*Pronounces tasty like nasty

[꧁ .and he joked again. ꧂ @AndyJokedAgain]

once i get some clearasil, it's over for you blotches

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

@ProjectLincoln The Nepotists

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

Remember when U2 put their album on our phones for free and it was this global catastrophe?

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

Have we considered that the

[End Road Work]

sign could be a citizens’ petition to the government?

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

Before 2020, twitter used to be way worse than real life.

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

@PreetBharara https://t.co/u7NEryhnAR

[Brian C. Thayer @briancthayer]

[USPS Delivery Notification]
Your item is out for delivery today at 7:15am.

[USPS Update]
Your item is now expected at 9:30am.

[USPS Update]
Your item is now expected at 11:45am.

[USPS Update]
Your item is delayed until tomorrow.

[USPS Update]
Yeah, we lost your item. Our B.