Bschooled

damaged goods

[Bschooled @bschooled]

"Two can play at that game..." -My drunk Aunt, talking about Solitaire

[George Takei @GeorgeTakei]

Bravo, sir! 👏🏻

[Bschooled @bschooled]

Your Honor at this time we would like to present into evidence Exhibit "Number Two" Johnny Depp accuses Amber Heard of revenge pooping in court testimony| https://t.co/87uJ5w5mEk https://t.co/w98VjENMzg

[Bschooled @bschooled]

@Jerri_Lynn25 @mrebecca69

[Bschooled @bschooled]

@nick_ramsey @ParkerMolloy @mrebecca69

[Jason Mustian (derogatory) @jasonmustian]

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I've ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

[Ariel Dumas @ArielDumas]

FACT: the ob in obgyn stands for "oh behave!"

[Bschooled @bschooled]

@Target Better question: Why no acknowledgment about the fact that your International site has been down for a week???

[John Kennedy @FrazzleMyGimp]

Guy: hey john

Me: [forgot his name but don’t wanna be rude and ask for it] sup bitch

[david @_elvishpresley_]

[train station]

me: one ticket please

ticket seller: sure, which train

me: the midnight train

ticket seller: going where

me: [turns to camera] anywhere

ticket seller: where tho

[Dan Burt @DanBurt]

Old people sex phrases:

-pulling taffy
-polishing the silver
-cranking up the Victrola
-cashing in the Liberty Bonds
-choke me with the phone cord

[Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake]

Still feeling guilty that I convinced my very dim neighbor that a sloppy joe sandwich was an “instrument in the harmonica family.”

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

[Karen O'Keefe @karen_okay]

I’m doing this! 😃😃😃

[Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake]

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

[Neko Case @NekoCase]

Hi there. Can we get MEALS ON WHEELS some help and love? Please give and spread the word. One of THEE most effective orgs on the planet. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

[Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake]

Imagine using “The eagle has landed,” as code for seeing an eagle land.

[Ted Travelstead @trumpetcake]

WILL SIMULATE A "PASTA DINNER W/DENNIS THE MENACE" EXPERIENCE FOR YOU AND ONE GUEST. $35 (+ COST OF FOOD; WIG; OVERALLS) [MR WILSON CAMEO EXTRA $]

[Alison @JustAboutGlad]

Not a cell phone in sight. Just living in the moment.

[Adrenalin @adrenalindenver]

[job interview at Lies Inc.]
INTERVIEWER: Greatest strength?
ME: I love lying.
INTERVIEWER: Really?
ME: No.
INTERVIEWER (whispering): Oh, he's good.