Nick Burden

Stand up comic. Purveyor of Shenanigans. Often Drunk.

[Absolute Comedy TOR @absolutecomedy]

Tonight! Pro-Am Night! With headliner @MattDavis and host @burdycomedy! 8:30pm! $7! 416-486-7700 https://t.co/Tc9iPBMN59 #ComedyTO

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

I live my life like I didn't get the memo

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

🎧"in this world of fly girls, tanqueray and Hennessy till I call earl"

WHO THE FUCK IS EARL!?

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

The grossest sound in the world is my dad eating corn flakes

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

Dear all girls

None of us want to take you apple picking

Love, every guy

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

Algebra isn't real and Dutch pancakes are just crepes that are trying to lie to you

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

Top three 1st world problems. 1. Ads before YouTube vids 2. No mayo left 3. Not being able to think of clever captions for pictures

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

trying so hard to hookup with a black girl off of #tinder ... I should probably go with a different line then "wanna Netflix and #trill ?"

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

@daviddpistol why you gotta get me all hyped up on tequila when it's a full moon !?

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

It's kinda rude that feta cheese isn't vegan

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

I hit auntie Georgina. I'm not abusive that's just a cute name I gave to the G-spot

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

Every rapper is basically future

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

Pan-sexuals are the vegans of sexuality

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

We don't ask questions because we're led to believe that we have all the answers

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

@StacieLea were in the same boat. Is it excersize ? Why is it outside ? Why is the tv show I watched when I was 8 making a comeback?

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

Anyone under 20 that goes to Starbucks is a dooshclown in the making...

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

When I was younger I spent all my money on weed and shawarma, now I spend all my money on soccer player haircuts and the morning after pill

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

Being a 26 year old man playing soccer in a men's 40+ league is great for your self esteem

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

The trashiest people always have the nicest dogs, what's their secret ? #confused

[Nick Burden @burdycomedy]

When I'm on a greyhound I put my bag beside me and pretend to be asleep so no one will sit beside me #lifehack #winning