d r o n e

“I don’t know what I need to know and must now devote my full attention and strength to finding out”

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

Grazi 7/15
1. My own home that’s kept exactly the way I keep it. No piles of shit. No one to tell me I’m loading the dishwasher wrong or try to make me feel guilty for any of it. I am so grateful it all worked out where it did and how it did.
2. Tittoos
3. Zoom mtgs
4. Curtis and Kate at work no matter what
5. Tim Blackmon customer or the year fs
6. Biscuits announcing closer shows for fall still no long stands but at least one offs less then five hours away
7. Pepsi zero sugar
8. Hot dogs the good ones
9. Eh
10. My beard growing quick

[jo johnson @josbjohnson]

one common trait I find in high achieving individuals is urgency. it looks almost like impatience until you understand it is closer to reverence, a deep refusal to waste the one thing they can’t buy more of. the alarm goes and they rise. the message is answered while it is still warm. the small task is done before it can find a shelf to hide on. they commit and move in a single motion. an idea sparks and they chase it that day, before the world talks them out of it. they run at their own lives like something is at stake, because they have decided something is.

[Darth Powell @VladTheInflator]

@grok Answer my fucking question as I asked it.

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

@Jasp3r_0 Plutoski might be his crowning achievement bro STFU

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

1. Had an awesome night with the boys, it was short but we got to visit David and go get fireworks and see them off, kids were so safe and respectful and it was so fun.
2. Got to tuck tuck tuck them for what felt like the first time in a lifetime.
3. This weeks insanity at work is over for me. Two sixteen hour days in a row fucking sideways roof window installs fucking roofers falling through roofs and surprise redeck and me on production with zero help until tom stepped up and everything got done in time and fixed with happy customers. I was so smoked I couldn’t answer my phone. Couldn’t find time to work out or even walk but gonna make up for it this weekend.
4. Good rain so stuff grows instead of just weeds looking in this backyard. I bought a plant and some herbs and they are all killing it. Water and sunlight makes us all fucking grow, care and energy makes us all thrive.
5. Gonna do the fucking thing with curtis and Kate. We got this for real.
6. Biscuits so close. This simulations from Atlantic City is enough to convince me the new drummer can work. It’s the most interesting and different jam I’ve heard from them this year even tho I haven’t heard them all it’s so good.
7. Keto strong after break at cedar point. I still am on the fence about not trying something different but haven’t felt like I’m running on fumes the last month or so just more tired at night but likely bc of work. It was easy to write it off as just life related between moving and demon stress and work craziness but I also knew some things are out of wack. Training was so hard and even walking felt like a chore in the morning.
8. Pretty sunrise through the rain and clouds.
9. Meditation
10. My eyes

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

Grazi
7/9
1. Work has been wild and great things on the horizon. Grateful for the changes I made this year and God giving me all the signs I needed to see to take the right steps even when they feel uncomfortable.
2. Grateful this weekend was cool and we all had a blast. The only shit part was the chaotic drop off thanks to no compromise demon and her shenanigans.
3. Stoked for tattoos especially October one. It’s gonna be fucking insane. It’s going to suck so much lol.
4. Stoked for biscuits and marshmello and cheese and moe and zeds dead and I can’t run a real vacation this summer but I’m grateful for the things I have to look forward to in between all the bustle.
5. Stoked for work today production on two jobs and
Dave still not there 😂
6. Grateful for zoom when I can’t make my hg. I went to leave build for it yesterday and again I had to make a Home Depot run. But zoom came through falling asleep but present. 12 step club is a tough scene but I’m gonna try valley city and strongsville ones for sure.
7. Grateful for Tom and his hustle and tenacity and the opportunity to be a present good friend and to learn from his experiences with his drunk bar hag ex and her bullshit she put them through. The common theme - with curtis, matty, Zach, tom, etc is that eventually they all end up with full custody with women like the demon who won’t get sober, or like Justin and Patrick they die and don’t even try.
8. Grateful I got to ride top thrill three times this weekend and sirens curse with porge and steel vengeance with Cammy.
9. Grateful for a gym and a Marc’s and a drug mart and an uncle Ollie’s and a gyro place and Gods laughing version of capitalism all minutes from my house. It’s an eyesore and a nightmare to drive through but everything I could ever need other than nice restaurants is minutes away and no one who’s gonna break in and surprise me in my bathroom or rage at me is closer than 45 minutes away.
10. This weather tho

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

1. Warm weather in my backyard and time to meditate before work.
2. Meetings this weekend one where I ran into Sara. I’m gonna have to find a niche out here - but never really found one outside of refuge/dharma in all the years I spent in Twinsburg area. As my friends died or moved or relapsed I just never felt at home or connected in A.A. there. At best I was present and could laugh and connect but it was always fleeting. Brunswick is close enough to make my homegroup in river it’s 25 minutes away that’s great. And Theuner moving back means more time to meet with him but I still need a foundational 2-3 meetings a week. Grateful for the drive and the willingness god has given me.
3. Grateful for peace in my heart. I miss my kids so much but I can’t just give in to every demand when she uses them against me. Her life is really sad but it’s not my job to convince her trying to control me doesn’t make it better. And her willingness to emotionally disrupt and leverage the kids time with me to get what she wants is not going to give them what they need to grow up. I was their peace and the person they could come to during her instability - which happened all the time. She is their person they can go to during mine - which was much rarer but now she’s working to make it seem like it’s all the time. She told her mom I didn’t let her in and she didn’t steal my prints - but I gave her five months and didn’t need to know the days until she stole from me, and gave her a full five days to tell me when she was coming and she couldn’t. I hope her experience moving was as emotionally challenging as mine- but she had her loser burnout boyfriend there so I doubt it. The life we had that she didn’t want to work for was pretty special. And we’ll always have that. But our paths diverged so much and she stayed with me out of convenience and was angry at her self and me for that. It never could’ve worked. I wanted to love and be loved and grasped at straws for three years at what to do to get that - she wanted to be taken care of and never be accountable or change: here we are. You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.
4. Grateful for the morning dew and the yellow cast.
5. Grateful for doctors and help and roadside apothecary’s: cancer is scary as fuck but here I am. Show the fuck up and breathe. Remember the mantras and don’t question that Gods got me.
6. Grateful for dandelions that turn into those things you can blow away. Kinda like us. From dust to dust.
7. Grateful I’m off for a few days this weekend and next week. The only days I’ve really taken off since Labor Day or Memorial Day or whatever that day is at the end of may have been me running between kids and sports and cedar point or whatever. I don’t know what we’re doin when I’m off or if I’ll have the kids but I can finish setting up my house and not have to deal with customers all day.
8. Grateful I’m sober. I never would have been able to handle all this.
9. Grateful for the tattoos I’m getting and for other fun stuff later on this month.
10. Grateful for astrological silliness and morning readings and open app.

[Big Perfect | Motivation @Big_Perfect669]

@TappedfreakR bro repeated it until it becomes a life lesson 😭

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

Grazi 6/23
1. Grateful for the moment yesterday. I spent six full days in the last week preparing, packing, loading, driving, buying, in order to move from our Twinsburg home. I was exhausted every day and even with moving help Sunday and packing help Wednesday it felt never ending. I never let myself feel anything about all of it until last night. I was packing my attic and found my God Box and it all hit me. Anger turned into sadness. I’m grateful to see it for what it is, and equally grateful I got to experience so so so much good and joy and love, with her, with all three boys, in the time we were together and in our homes, even that one with its ghosts and neglect and grief and loss and loneliness. I don’t have a lot of regret that I was with her, and not just because I got kids out of the deal. She was my best friend for years, and there are incredible things about her I saw and we shared for many of them. I could’ve written a lot about it last night. But the moment I was driving away from the house with only my tv left there and this incredible once in a lifetime sunset in front of me I recognized how grateful I was that she was in my life - and that for all the bad toxic behavior she embraces now - until after George and her drinking again it wasn’t always like that. And even for half the months it wasn’t just bearable she was still my best friend. There’s things I’ll miss that I don’t think I’ll ever find in anyone else. And a part of me won’t ever look. Our humor was so shared. I still wish I could text her new music or biscuits jams. For all her judgement and weirdness around sex when she would actually lean in after always made me feel loved and treasured - like everything else in the world was quiet. I’m grateful for all the experiences, all the trips, all the building and all the love we shared.
2. Grateful I was able to get everything in only five trips back and forth 😂☠️ it will be six but not with a trailer.
3. Grateful I have a new place of my own. It’s weird I haven’t had my own place without roommates or a girl since I moved from Columbus. Deeds house, glenbeigh, Kent’s sober house, Steve’s house (dead) with Kelan and Patrick, Justin and Aj’s, Jared’s, apartment with Courtney, Sean’s/jess parents, orchard, Lloyd, Monticello. Grateful for them all. May I find peace in solitude not chaos.
4. Grateful for the prints I did manage to keep that she didn’t steal.
5. Melillo
6. Grateful to be sober. And present. And for the time and space to grow towards a better version then I’ve been in all the stress and chaos and energy the last few months.
7. Grateful there’s meetings out here too - and they aren’t any worse than Twinsburg.
8. Grateful for nicotine pouches fuck vaping.
9. Grateful I was able to get the cool pig skin for George it was a pain I couldn’t get box to work but he’ll be so stoked.
10. Grateful for this peaceful backyard.
5.

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

Grazi 6/20
1. Grateful they moving is sort of controlled go with the flow chaos. I’m grateful I got a house instead of an apartment. I’m grateful I won’t be in Twinsburg where the demon can just walk in anytime she wants and cause chaos that lasts weeks. I’m grateful I was able to get a house the way I did. I’m grateful I didn’t have to ask for help or financial support or a co-signer to do it and I’m grateful I have the insight and vision and tenacity to make changes not just when I need to but when there’s better options today.
2. Grateful for Caitie and Theuner and the Wednesday night meeting and sober people I talk to everyday.
3. Grateful I remained calm and resisted being baited when the demon tried to weaponize my time with kids against me again yesterday to get her way. Not my job to do what she says anymore and at some point she’ll stop using the kids and my ability to see and show up for them as leverage to try and get her way. There is no reason to speak or reply to her shenanigans - and she knows I want to see the kids so she uses that to get what she wants. There will be a new normal and I hope it’s not one where she has caused so much chaos in every pick up and kid info request that I give up on trying and instead one where I never have to see or talk to her again. Remember Kevin
She punched the mirror
She had dating apps on her phone and she made it your fault for finding them
She blacked out and came home at 2 in the morning when she was supposed to be off at 7
She was at the bar with a guy and said “at lunch with a mom”
She quit all of the therapy we tried
She refused to connect when you needed it most
She fought about not having enough time to kiss on the way out
She refused to read anything you ever asked her to
She refused accountability, ever, for anything
She chose alcohol and single life over family and you
She shamed and guilted you so hard you buried yourself deep inside
She gaslit you about your own friends, family, health.
Grateful to have perspective and vision today. Grateful to be close to recovery and God.
It’s not black and white remember that too - she’s not all bad - but making excuses for her is not your responsibility any more.
4. Grateful for EH and surgery and health and attentive kindness. Grateful I can connect without… it’s different and I definitely feel frustrated… but stay in today and eventually opportunities will show up again. It’s worth the sacrifice and Gods got me on the desire staying focused and not wandering or getting needs met with other bullshit.
5. Grateful for the weather today and an absolutely insane challenging weekend. It will come and it will go and there will never be another one like this.
6. Grateful for all the pieces I lined up.
7. Grateful I have the demon entering my house and garage without permission yesterday on four cameras.
8. Grateful for that letter from Solon
9. Grateful for keto and long walks and hard workouts
10. Grateful for Pepsi zero

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

1. Grateful surgery went well and now it’s on to the next thing. Grateful for doctors and health and whatever.
2. Grateful police opened case after my insurance got involved hope she goes to prison like Tarah and Josh Lolol
3. Grateful to be able to make two biscuits shows this summer and even though they haven’t announced Montana I am still hoping they do.
4. Grateful for work today and haircut and working out
5. Grateful I can cut my parents off and Jess turns the whole situation into her shit with baby daddy number 1 all over. Always thought it was his fault but turns out it was hers. She prolly did the same shit to him she did to me and she deserved every bit of pain and suffering he put her through.
6. Grateful for new tires
7. Grateful for kielbasa
8. Grateful for my attorney and her plan. All that matters are my boys.
9. Geateful for this candle
10. Grateful for water

[Ixabert @LordIxabert]

Steven Seagal & Bob Dylan are the two greatest comedians of all time. I don't mean that ironically or as mock-flattery. I mean it iterally. They are engaged in the longest-running Kaufmanesque comic performances ever attempted, and are brilliant at it.

The running joke is too sustained, too consistent, too funny, too comedically precise to be an accident.

This is not an elaborate way of saying "they are bad", nor even "they're so bad as to become funny". This is not, i assure you, one of those modern compliments which turns out on inspection to be an insult in disguise. I mean precisely what I say.

Both men are perfectly conscious of what they are doing.

A man may fail to recognise his own absurdity for a season; he may even persevere in ignorance for year. But no man can spend an entire lifetime long producing bad material of such constently comical effect without eventually noticing how absurd he is.

They know perfectly well.

And, as with all truly Kaufmanesque humour, the fact that most people take it at face value is part of the joke. The joke is not aimed principally at the audience at all, but at the small minority capable of recognising what's going on.

Andy Kaufman, admirable though he was, practised what one might call 115-IQ Kaufmanesque humour: sufficiently subtle to bewilder some people, yet still accessible to the average college student.

Bob Dylan & Steven Seagal, by contrast, are operating at something closer to 190-IQ Kaufmanism. The joke is so sustained, so elaborate, so brilliant, and so extravagantly committed that almost everyone misses it entirely and mistakes it for sincerity.

Only a handful of people are even clever to notice it.

I am pleased to say that I belong to this select fraternity.

You may not see the joke at present. Thats perfectly understandable. Most people do not, and perhaps cannot. Nevertheless, I assure you, a joke is in progress, and Steven Seagal and Bob Dylan are, quite possibly, the two funniest men who have ever lived.

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

@sharm42453 @disco_biscuits

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

Grazi 6/11
1. Slept three hours with two wake ups but still trudging through today still took the time to lay and meditate this morning and to connect to god to myself and to eh
2. Looking at pictures of kids
I don’t have them
Or my family
Or safety to offer them when they are with her
But I’m so grateful I took the pictures they did
And so grateful all the times they stole my phone and took dozens of pictures in a row and made videos before I snatched it back.
My whole life has realigned and there’s no going back to what it was for better or worse - this one monumentally less exhausting and easier and less emotionally painful but I’ve had to grieve the loss of a family and face the accountability for choosing the worst person in the world to create one with, and my own mistakes that led to her thinking disrespect and dishonor towards me was acceptable. My fault. Fr. My behavior showed her what I would tolerate up to and including physical abuse.
Grateful for all the pictures for real.
3. House music techno music electronic music sound cloud live dj sets
4. Made fire dinner last night with kielbasa from state meats shit was so good and macros on point til tonight
5. All the estimates and bullshit and measurements and orders and everything else I got done this week while running production on my own jobs.
6. Knowing I have to grieve the loss of big dreams this year. Having More kids the toughest. I pray about it but I’m grateful I recognize it won’t disappear overnight and even if it’s what God wants from me there’s hitches in that plan because of all the mistakes I made with the demon.
7. Water just smashing the new fridge water thing
8. I managed to schedule like a whole weeks worth of moving pieces and parts and for some reason even figured maybe I’d offer something to Jess let her split the trailer but she can get fucked and if she brings anyone into my home I don’t trust it’s on.
9. Grateful for the Jesus reading this morning and the second mantra.
10. Grateful for movie theater popcorn I need to go get some and see a movie.

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

1. Grateful I worked through whatever sadness showed up as anger this week. Or whatever anger showed up as substantial anger. Hate isn’t a place to live, and resentment not healthy for me or for recovery. I made the terrible choices again and again and I’m accountable. I will do better from here on out for sure internally. I have the best, most expensive evil piece of shit family attorney, I filed a police report, I move in two weeks where she has to drive to terrorize me, etc. I can’t expect her to be anything other than what she is and it’s not black and white - she’s only a bad mom half the month, she’s only drinking leaving them at home to stay awake til 2am some nights she’s only abusive sometimes she only screams in their face for crying sometimes. I’m grateful for distance and perspective and grateful I can really be their peace and their leader.
2. Grateful I made cinnamon rolls for the kids they woke up right side of the bed to the smell and been laughing ever since.
3. Grateful for the weird Japanese meditation thing this morning it focused places I don’t usually find my thoughts going.
4. Grateful for zoom A.A., there was no way to make a meeting I like since last weekend between work and baseball and I’m not taking the boys to the troll factory so zoom last night late and early this morning where I was present and listened.
5. Grateful for curtis, watching him grow into his own he pulled rank on roofers yesterday and it was absolutely the right thing. It wasn’t my job but I watched it unfold and it’s what you have to do sometimes - but not easy or fun and it’s about protecting your guys over production. Sometimes you gotta butt heads and sometimes you gotta buy roofers beers that’s just the game, yesterday was head butting 😂I’m so glad I chose to work with him. I’ll make less money on more jobs and the structure and processes is fucked still but everyday is a good day or at least one I can fucking process and make fun of with my dudes.
6. Grateful i start packing today. I love this home. I have so many good memories here. The children as real children aren’t here anymore and the demon morphed into a different person entirely so there are no new memories to create here except sad or scary ones. I’m so stoked to live by myself it’s the best. I spent so many hours trying to find a place they worked and it was only once I realized her psychopathy about St. Rita had nothing to do with the kids so she would never give it up without lawyers did it open up areas outside of where I wanted the kids in school that worked for us both. I still got lucky with a 530 credit score and no reportable income since October living off crypto and a loan. God showed up big and my blessings are real. I’m grateful I’m ten minutes from David a half hour from my parents five minutes from Elizabeth fifteen minutes from my office. Grateful I have a big back yard. Grateful my office can become my living room. Sad to leave behind the good lighting every season decorated vibes of what the demon built here with my money but so relieved she can’t just walk in. Today we get boxes and pack at least one area.
7. Grateful for astounding weather.
8. Grateful for the privacy here even if no one ever sees this I can still do it, I’ve been back and forth hand writing and here everyday but when I have time like this it always makes me reflect with deeper insight.
9. Grateful for Justin
10. Grateful for all the people who’ve showed me what life can look like sober - and myself for finally reaching for it even though it’s hard and different.

[d r o n e @buttholemcgee18]

1. Grateful beyond measure that narcissistic
drunk trash cow whore life is not a part of mine outside of mediation. The lies were so clear and the gaslighting was so obvious at mediation. I’m so happy with the life I’m building and if I could live on the other side of the world from her or next door to her it doesn’t matter she is and always has been a selfish loser. As her life gets worse and worse and mine gets better and better I won’t rejoice, but I’ll always be grateful it ended when it did because her abject misery and darkness is a plague, an infestation on whoever is near her. I won’t ever piss on her grave but I certainly won’t visit either.
2. Grateful I’m up early enough for morning meeting after I check on job from yesterday.
3. This weekend is gonna rule, a little bit of work and a lot of good stuff.
4. Grateful for the burgers I had for dinner last night
5. Grateful that even as the demon tries to turn me against my family and my family against me I see through her charade and know damn well my mom is a goof who doesn’t ever listen to anyone else so I don’t take it personal. I’ll be loyal even when they aren’t they are my family, the demon is a broken and useless fuck hole and using my family and friends against me is the last trick in her narcissistic playbook - but it doesn’t work anymore. She literally said my friends don’t care about me yesterday and abandoned me lol what a loser. My family far from perfect but they will always love me the best way they can.
6. Grateful for the crazy hope weather yesterday I had tarping snd repairs and inspections all pouring sweat and it felt good to grind again.
7. Grateful I’m sober and have another day above ground.
8. Grateful for work and goals and being surrounded by people who lift each other instead of sink each other. Going on mission trip with Theuner over winter. Volunteering with the Mitch and the real estate dudes, etc. just so many people showing me how to live a life — and none of them are loser single 30-40 something’s soaking their lives in alcohol and hanging out at fucking bars rode hard and put away wet.
9. Grateful I don’t experience jealousy or sadness when I see happy healthy people in families and couples now. For years it felt so foreign being stuck with such a broken woman who punished and tried to control me by withholding normal human needs I would see other couples or families at church or getting ice cream and get angry that I allowed myself to be so used - and for what? A gaping hole? Cute feet to look at? A 6 slut to take care of emotionally and financially? I am of the people who show up and get along - who appreciate others company - who don’t transactionally hold hands or kiss or lean in and support. Just normal shit for people who work in a relationship. No more square peg and retarded no accountability pmdd psychotic hole.
10. Grateful I can laugh even on a phone call after a fucking 15 hour day filled with so much.