cale harper

writer @themysteryhour | award-losing comedian | a fresh mellow cabbage flavor

[cale harper @calethoughts]

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had three energy drinks and a Free Gardetto’s

[cale harper @calethoughts]

Back on Hinge

[cale harper @calethoughts]

Jesus at the Last Supper:

[Thomas White @len0killer]

Every friend group needs that one evil traitor

[cale harper @calethoughts]

My haters are forming an encampment at my alma mater demanding I divest from my swag

[cale harper @calethoughts]

Going “Crayola Mode” (eating a box of crayons)

[cale harper @calethoughts]

Damn girl, are you a girl? Because I’m scared of you

[cale harper @calethoughts]

What if we kissed under the light of the Shinzo Abe assassination footage

[cale harper @calethoughts]

To me, the grind is when I take a few minutes to watch and react to the 40+ TikToks my friends send me each day

[cale harper @calethoughts]

I found a grimace pilfering through the dumpster at my apartment complex

[cale harper @calethoughts]

Billion Dollar Baby fight please 🤞🏻

[BBC News (World) @BBCWorld]

Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg agree to hold cage fight https://t.co/RIJ5SflsGN

[cale harper @calethoughts]

@alpacapresident This is a day 8 of unemployment activity for sure

[cale harper @calethoughts]

Day 5 of unemployment: I’ve obtained two CDs of unknown origin from the woods behind my pharmacy. I fear they may be damaged beyond function. Will you join me in my pledge to preserve the relics of our culture?

[cale harper @calethoughts]

Day 6 of unemployment: I received a haircut from an Italian man who smelled of pine and hot newspaper. He shorn me with the skill of a Chilean shepherd. Will you join me in celebrating our multicultural society?

[cale harper @calethoughts]

Day 4 of unemployment: I have completed my pilgrimage to Grimace’s ancestral homeland, as is my birthright. This is his body, broken for us. Will you join me in tasting the milk of The Purple One?

[cale harper @calethoughts]

June 6, 1944: Allied forces storm the beaches at Normandy

June 6, 2023: Baby Gronk stole Livvy from the Drip King

[cale harper @calethoughts]

She Livvy on my Baby Gronk til I Drip King

[Lane Carter @LaneTCarter]

Succession but it's Sam Raimi's Spider-Man trilogy.

[cale harper @calethoughts]

Unfortunately for the haters I have a beautiful mind

[cale harper @calethoughts]

The NFL has no business drafting more players. There’s enough