Matthew

Everybody calls me “Garch”

[Matthew @callmegarch]

Early retirement wasn’t for me (we back)

[Matthew @callmegarch]

Weddings are wild bc you’ll watch a purple belt in jiu jitsu let a 5 foot nothing 100 pound girl who’s a teacher try to choke him out and then you’ll adjust how she’s doing it and he’ll tap she won’t let go and he’ll go out cold and you’ll have to shake his legs above his head.

[Matthew @callmegarch]

How is is this real and not a Boondocks plot

[Matthew @callmegarch]

I feel the same way about wemby as I do trans athletes, they don’t belong on the court, just different species

[Matthew @callmegarch]

These refs need to be sent down to the G League.

[Matthew @callmegarch]

When I’m tired commercials be getting me, like yes I want a be in a loving homosexual relationship and eat a haagen dazs on a stick

[Matthew @callmegarch]

Commercials need to STOP using good songs. Stick to the Burger King ear molestation.

[Matthew @callmegarch]

Commercials need to STOP using good songs. Do not TOUCH the Avalanches or the Dip—how DARE you!?

[Matthew @callmegarch]

Rocking shorts in the Stu (the office)

[Matthew @callmegarch]

I would trade my first born for this moment.

[Matthew @callmegarch]

Free will and good weather is a very dangerous combo because what do you mean I can go to Whole Foods and walk around midtown eating a slice of blueberry pie and a banana pudding ice cream bar after my solo pizza dinner?

[Matthew @callmegarch]

Baddie Arab or liberal white chick?

[Matthew @callmegarch]

What girl got Drake obsessed with Palestine?

[Matthew @callmegarch]

What girl got Drake obsessed with Palestine?

[Matthew @callmegarch]

Fuck a Rolex, I just want enough money to have a TV outside.

[Matthew @callmegarch]

How has no rapper rhymed ‘Obi-Wan Kenobi’ and ‘OG Anunoby’?

[Matthew @callmegarch]

Being an adult is getting peppers and onions on random sandwiches

[Matthew @callmegarch]

Some people like coffee, some people like matcha, some people that mud shit, I enjoy a sugar free root beer, who are you to judge? A gay loser?

[Matthew @callmegarch]

This is so unrealistic, she’s white

[Matthew @callmegarch]

@GBBranstetter

[Matthew @callmegarch]

I wish liking an instagram story actually counted as flirting

[Matthew @callmegarch]

I started playing ‘We Are Young’ using her butt as drums, and she started singing along. Sometimes you win.