Racing Camel

Full time racing camel, part time Twitter savage.

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

*computer unfreezes*

Oh you're done now? You've finished with your little hissyfit? You're ready to behave like a reasonable machine now?

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

My boss always has something nice to say like "Wow, I'm going to have to call security on you again?"

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

Dog: Woof
Me: Is that so?
Dog: Head-tilted woof
Me: Really now?
Dog: Woof woof
Me: woof
Dog: what the fuck

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

If nine women work together they can have a baby in one month.

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

The lowest point of my life is when I was kicked out of Bob Evans for eating too many crayons.

[Josh @iwearaonesie]

"Slow the fuck down Thomas"

- me, drunk, watching Thomas The Train

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

I should have known we wouldn't work out when I found out she hangs upside down from the ceiling like a bat when she sleeps

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

I neglected my Twitter account for months. I just found cobwebs in the corner and a tumbleweed blew past.

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

What the heck kind of person wants to eat hair, skin, and nails flavored gummies? https://t.co/3ab0UzdCgG

[Nature's Bounty @NaturesBounty]

Taking Nature’s Bounty Hair, Skin & Nails gummies? Brace yourself for the abundance of compliments heading your way!*

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

@morris_reva I was in a tragic knitting accident.

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

Should I come back?

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

I can't tell if she's pregnant or just holding in the world's biggest fart.

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

"Everyone you know is fighting a battle you know nothing about"
Me: Great kangaroo uprising of 1812

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

LAWYER: why do you want a divorce?
HIM: she doesn't know how to use contractions
HER: that's isn'ot true
L: I understand now.

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

The bakery is my fav.

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

We may have put a man on the moon but why haven't we put a man IN the moon.

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

*sees toddler*
Woah what was that it was huge!

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

Worst things to get second hand:
Second hand smoke
Second hand vape
Second hand gluten

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

Outside: I love my job being a professional rodeo clown.
Inside: Please euthanize me.

[Rob Cee @TheRobCee]

Some days you're the muppet, some days you're the hand in the muppet's ass.

[Racing Camel @camel_racer]

My dream girl would have at least one extra arm.