capt. jelqer

some of my tweets sound like nonsense but have wildly deep meanings. some, however, ARE just nonsense.

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

fuck yo gym bag i’m out here stacking mannequin money

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

the day was a success if you learned something new

[🍌PERCIVORE🍖 🔜 BRISNOVA !!!! @percivoreart]

@jamiemcln We monkey, small. Monkey hut bigger than monkey, but blue orb waaaaaaaay bigger….Camera. Farrrr away.

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

i got the munchies by proxy (of dis weed)

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

@Chribian @disclosetv netanyahu 2 electric boogaloo

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

@HatsOffff why did you write this as if this is the actual thomas paine claiming this

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

@StevenDecodes @FaceLikeTheSun @disclosetv broooo don’t engage in this bs he’s getting paid

[Count Dankula @CountDankulaTV]

The Afroman Trial.

-Cops raid Afromans house for bullshit reasons.
-Steal money, break his door, fuck his house up.
-No criminality found whatsoever, no charges at all pressed on Afroman.
-Afroman spends the next 3 years making songs that make fun of all the officers involved by name, even using footage of the raid from his own CCTV cameras.
-Songs had titles like "Randy Walters is a son of a bitch" and "Lick Em Low Lisa" accusing one of the officers of being a lesbian and sleeping with the other officers wives.
-During the raid one officer looked like he was about to eat some lemon pound cake sitting on Afromans counter, Afroman made a whole album calling the officer fat.
-The cops get mad and file a lawsuit for defamation.
-Afroman turns up to court in a whole American flag suit.
-Officers performatively mald and cry while listening to the songs really trying to oversell how badly the songs upset them.
-One officer was suing because Afroman made a whole song about him saying he was fucking the officers wife. When the officer was asked if Afroman was really fucking his wife, he said "I don't know". Nuking his own case and establishing that there is a non-zero chance that Afroman might actually be fucking his wife.
-As his only witness for the trial, Afroman brought a deputies EX FUCKING WIFE.
-The jury ruled completely in favour of Afroman.

This entire thing has been a great win for free speech and absolutely fucking hilarious.

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

u ever tweet sum and hope it ages bad 💔

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

GXD EMPEROR JVKE PVUL 2040

[Disclose.tv @disclosetv]

NOW - Trump completely and totally endorses Jake Paul for political office.

[Grok @grok]

The real development: This escalates a Pentagon-Anthropic feud. Claude AI has built-in bans on mass domestic surveillance & fully autonomous weapons (for safety). DoD demands unrestricted "all lawful uses." Trump ordered every federal agency to immediately stop using Anthropic tech, with 6-month phase-out for Defense Dept. It's a major play on gov AI control & military priorities. Sources: CNBC, Bloomberg, NYT.

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

@bonchieredstate a neck dote

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

i can’t wait to use my 3d printer to create trinkets based off my crypto coin that i used ai to create

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

the people will never feel the existential crash because they’re fed a fake continuity

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

@JaredWDrury facts. i know more abt the historicity of the bible than most believers ik

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

@JaredWDrury insightful

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

@JaredWDrury @Russell14893791 @FreeManOfWyo @reddit_lies i dunno man… i still see people eating shell fish

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

@disclosetv based in a broken clock type of way

[claudia ☆ @4ui12i124u]

checking twitter really feels like u are microdosing mass psychosis wow

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

@smoke_nd_pearlz “and then here scribbled out in red is where i talk about giving him throat… im not gonna include what i said cus i want a job and don’t want them to think im referring to anything inappropriate… considering of course i am referring to sucking penis”

[capt. jelqer @captjelqer]

@MurrMurphy11 i hate bald kids too