Carl

At least I’m not putting salt in the sugar shakers!

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

I open Twitter every couple of months and scroll until I find a tweet that makes me actually LOL. Then I close it and move on. This here is that tweet for September.

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

Bo Burnham, I didn't want you to make me think or cry. I wanted haha, funny, goof goof, laugh laugh, fart noise.

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

Me: My therapist thinks I should take a 30-day social media hiatus.

Husband: How do you do that?

Me: Just delete the apps and don’t post anything for 30 days.

Husband: But… it’s hot girl summer.

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

Me, wide awake in the dark of the night: 👁👄👁

My dog over on her dog bed: 👅💦🍑👅💦🍑👅💦🍑👅💦🍑👅💦🍑👅💦🍑👅💦🍑👅💦🍑

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

The most reassuring thing I’ve ever realized is that literally nobody knows what to do/where to go/how to check out when you get dressed and leave the doctor’s lil exam room.

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

I sometimes like when my husband isn’t home for dinner so I can just eat 18 pickles and go to bed.

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

Happy 2-Year Anniversary to the most phenomenal bruise I’ve ever had. I haven’t done a drop split at the club since.

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

@thisis_nikki

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

“You seem happy. Is your Zoloft working or is it just because you’ve been re-watching RuPaul’s Drag Race?”

-My husband

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

I felt like this comment was funny enough that I re-downloaded Twitter after months and months just to share it.

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

@Robert_Hance That's the answer I was hoping for

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

I just opened Twitter for the 1st time in like 6 months. How's it going? What's the vibe here? We good?

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

Every couple months I tell myself I will become and oatmeal person and I make oatmeal. Then as I'm force feeding the gelatinous mush into my face, I remember how much oatmeal genuinely sucks. It is a bad food.

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

You know when your overly fixated brain is stuck on a certain topic and you're absolutely BURSTING with things you want to say about it, but you have to restrain yourself for the sake of others? 😅

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

Summer is exactly as long as it needs to be

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

@shelbybee28 Still mad about 1 year ago when I asked Paul to get cookies, chips, and guac at the store. Then he texted me that they were out of my cookies, so I told him don't worry about it, just get the guac. AND HE COMES BACK WITH GUAC & NO CHIPS BECAUSE I SAID, "Just get the guac." Men...

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

@sarahschauer I have a rib/side boob tattoo. I was covering my boob while the artist was taking an after picture and he said, "Can you move your hand down?" and I completely let go of my titty, and he was like, "Um... no. The other one. The one that's on your hip." 🙃🙃🙃

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

Very nice Apple support man just explained to me that it's because those are for curbside appointments, not actually going into the store. No Karen-ing required.

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

Not to be a Karen, but the Apple Store is only seeing customers who are shopping and not seeing customers who need repairs, and that just seems... stupid.

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

@thisis_nikki

[Carl @carlyproblemz]

My phone is broken, so I'm panicking that all of you are texting me in the meantime and thinking I'm mad at you and then you will be mad at me :)