pawn shop clerk: so you're saying this grenade is...?
me: a family suicide heirloom, yes.
pawn shop clerk: but how is that...?
me: it's made with the bone fragments of my forebears. they were gonna make the next one with mine.
pawn shop clerk: who's "they"?
me: i can do $75
when I came out my muslim immigrant father who was german champion of karate he immediately accepted me as his son and when I was like "I didn't expect this" he said he was besties with some butches in america he met at strip clubs he ate steak at so.. shoutout them
Beautiful woman was chatting to me over the bar and midway through the conversation I took a slice out my finger while cutting limes and had to hit this while she was talking to me for the next 3 minutes
Roomate who's never brought a guy home brought a 5'5 bald and bearded guy who's built like a brick wall but didn't tell me so I'm dancing in the kitchen with my headphones on and I just see out of the corner of my eye what I thought was a dwarf from the hobbit and screamed