lord farquaad, RN

unemployed nurse by day, ruler of Duloc by night

[lord farquaad, RN @ceceliyuh]

guys love to call girls dramatic but will literally show up to C-league, intramural basketball in their college rec center wearing leggings and a shooting sleeve and tear their ACL five minutes into the first half

[lord farquaad, RN @ceceliyuh]

no better time to propose than during the gloomy Mets afternoon game yesterday, right?? @Mets @keithhernandez @SNYtv @MetsBooth

[Five Times August @FiveTimesAugust]

When your book report on space is due and you didn’t do any of it…

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

[𝕻𝖍𝖎𝖑𝖎𝖕 𝕮𝖍𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖙 @papasombra]

Chris Rock’s cousin, The, looks on in shock.

[Austin @adoptedhighway]

just now realizing that ET was supposed to be an alien. i thought it was just a little disgusting man

[soul nate @MNateShyamalan]

in honor of the ides of march, would anyone like to stab me 23 times

[Philipp Kostelecky (@PhilComedy on IG) @CheeseCakePCK]

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

[amelia elizalde @ameliaelizalde]

got to do my favorite thing last night which is go to a party and march from group to group like when a town makes a goose think he's the mayor

[Zach 🌍 @NAACPYOUNGBOY]

Gas finna be 6.50 a gallon

[Jeffery Werkins @JefferyWerkins]

when you beat the “you’re sitting on the remote” allegations

[. @huguethot]

Me *checking on my 103 yo pt*: hello Dwain
Dwain: bitch
Me: ok

[river buddy butcher 🤠 @rivbutcher]

“we did it joe” was literally the last thing they did

[Me @KirkWrites79]

We are witnessing someone stalk and harass their ex in real time and media outlets are playing it for jokes while the people are laughing in the comments.

Dark times.

[charlie @chunkbardey]

i hate how many leisure activities make you wear paper wristbands. how am i supposed to relax while wearing a paper wristband …

[Kevin Seccia @kevinseccia]

“Fantabulous, now we're rocking and rolling.” -the spectrum guy after I confirmed my phone number

[Taylor Kay Phillips @TayKayPhillips]

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

[lord farquaad, RN @ceceliyuh]

the scream (1863)

[Barstool Sports @barstoolsports]

All while blindfolded…

Disgusting.