Carly Rae Jetsam

wulf alt. Blogger. Flannel. Baseball Death Cultist. Fetid Anchorite. Clea Duvall Conspiracy Theorist. Ungainly Crier.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

TRENT: “I hurt myself today.”
ME: [sighs, climbs stepladder and flips counter back to zero]

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

I remain convinced that Sean Penn has never understood what characters are supposed to mean. Like he did Colors (1988) and was like “Cool.”

[Film Updates @FilmUpdates]

Sean Penn is set to direct a film that will follow “the early life of a cop who goes on to be caught up in the January 6th Capitol riots.”

Bradley Cooper is in talks to star.

(https://t.co/V1UnEV28QU)

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

@SorryMomDotGov Hucking a Big Gulp at a dancer and squaring up.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

@normal_food Been using it to bulk up my collard greens. It's fine, just takes a minute to cook down.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

I’m just a stupid old baby but I learned that UMich calls their stadium “The Big House” and I was like do you have no honest friends.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

It is endlessly funny to me when people talk about Tolkien and suddenly jump up into an accent with place and character names like oh did you do do a semester abroad in Gondolin.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

Ugh. The fundraiser that our friends are throwing for Dito’s surgery is tonight at our neighborhood bar. I have no idea what to expect because I very Protestantly declined to be involved in planning.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

Pepto is like eleven dollars at the liquor store now but I was feeling myself* so I splurged.

*My bhole hurt

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

My parents, whom I love very much, inexplicably bought us a 36” silver gelatin print of the Golden Gate Bridge and I don’t know what to do with it. If we put it up people will be like what you can’t walk twenty minutes.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

Unbeknownst to me, a friend and neighbor put together a fundraising thing for Dito (cancer), and I am so uncomfortable/Protestant that I want to ignore it altogether. Why can't I just name him as my beneficiary and do the other thing.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

@kathcor3 SoCal white girl with not great teeth playing Chicana used to wreck me. I just had to excuse myself.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

Sometimes I do a mix for Ely on Sunday mornings and try to make it weird to throw her off for Mass. This is "Me and the Devil Blues" by Robert Johnson, I say. But now here's this experimental rendition by an Australian woman.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

@currentsleeps <33

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

@hell_doe [Jigsaw voice] "One of you can choose to be swallowed; the other can choose to be swallowed instead. This is because you chose to swallow each other and one of you failed." [Victim voice] "Fuckin' what."

[the human sadiepede 2 @hell_doe]

his and hers saw traps

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

Do you ever feel like you're a pillar client at your corner store, like they'll try to work something out so you don't leave unfulfilled. Yes habibti I will take a pint since you are out of fifths. Thank you I am so blessed to see you.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

Sometimes I wake up and do forensics on my bedside like I’m in a ‘90s crime procedural like there’s a packet of Pepto tabs and valerian root extract a glass of whiskey and a knife and copies of The Dispossessed (1974) and Only The Ball Was White (1970). I think they might be gay.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

One of the best works of English literature is “The Lady With The Braid” by Dory Previn because it is someone who is so desperate for the chance of love that she will reduce herself to nothing.

[Carly Rae Jetsam @centibleed]

@hell_doe Ohhhh such a big stretch!

[popsee @qopsee99]

If you aren’t itchy when you leave goodwill you didn’t look around enough