Abby💀🥔

full time lil potato goblin, part time sad grandpa🌛

[Abby💀🥔 @ChappyDays]

Feeling like a stapler stuck inside some jello because i too, am a joke 👎

[1984’s George Whorewell @EwdatsGROSS]

Gen z and millennials: I would like to earn enough money to live

Boomers:

[Goblin Moder @mischiefanimals]

KNEEL, before the goblin lord

[jon drake @DrakeGatsby]

You should have to confirm you actually wanted to open your front facing camera. I should never be forced to accidentally see my own face

[Kelly Ohlert @KellyOhlert]

Grandma: I checked your book out from the library, but I wrinkled it a little bit before I returned it, so people would know it's popular.

I'm retiring from marketing. Grandma is taking over.

[one of ur hoes @miliondollameat]

hey do u wanna come over and lose all grasp on reality together for a bit

[paul rudd @philsadelphia]

sorry for not responding to you in a reasonable amount of time. i spend most of my waking hours in a far away realm

[Erin Bow @erinbowbooks]

I just read -- in the book SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO by Jess Hill -- about the incident in Stockholm for which Stockholm Syndrome is named, and I am royally pissed off on behalf of all women, buckle up.

[Abby💀🥔 @ChappyDays]

I wish Facebook had a "hide all" option for suggested friends. I don't know any of these people I already deleted everyone I dont want any more friends I am fine thanks

[Dont Show Your Cat @DontShowYourCat]

the town is barely big enough for him

[virgo mortensen @cardydavis]

@jzux my first LA therapist compared me to her dead pomeranian and called a few days after our (only) appointment to let me know she had a dark dream about me, was scared, and couldn’t stop thinking about it 🫠

[trash jones @jzux]

my mom is sitting at the table doing the crossword and she let out a huge sigh and wistfully said “it’s hard to think of elmo as a monster”

[i can be your long lost pal @PallaviGunalan]

his response is taking me out lmao

[Jesse McLaren @McJesse]

Decided to use my 3D printer to figure out how the hell we’re doing this.

[Janel Comeau 🍁 @VeryBadLlama]

my parents at 30: whew, we weren't expecting to have a third kid and a new car this year, but I think we can swing it

me at 30: I was not expecting to have to replace an extra lightbulb in my home this year and now financial ruin is upon me

[trash jones @jzux]

“it’s not about the destination it’s about the journey ❤️” ok well the journey’s been pretty bad actually

[1984’s George Whorewell @EwdatsGROSS]

Why get a weighted blanket when you have the crushing weight of existential dread