Church Commentary

An unfortunate soul stuck going to church for the next 2 months. Commiserate with me each Sunday while I’m bored out of my fucking mind.

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

As I try to cope with the drudgery of sitting through sacrament meeting, I find it super helpful to imagine punching general authorities in the face. Uchdorf would get a semi-friendly slap, but Oaks and Nelson would get everything I have.
#sharegoodness #lds

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

To state the obvious, I don’t give a fuck about “the gathering of Israel.” There are far more important things to worry about, like how I’m going to catch a giant bass when I’m finally back in Texas.

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

Red, white, and blue ties are out in full force today. I went with Leftist brown.
#Happy4th

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

“If Pres. Nelson told me to eat my own poop I would do it.”
-TBMs
#obedience #sharegoodness

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

@CorporateJesus Id like to bare testimony of corporate Mormon Jesus and all his wise business strategies.

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

“The dark cloud of reason”

When you delegitimize reason & logic and promote only faith in the church and its leaders you’re manipulating your membership by literally telling them not to think for themselves.
#redflag #lds #holyshitiminacult

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

Adam and Eve were not your first parents.
#evolution

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

In shocking twist, the spirit guides girl raised in Utah to go to #BYU.
#godisamystery

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

Also let’s go back to wine instead of water. There’s literally no downside. Make Mormonism alcoholic again!
#sharegoodness #lds #sacrament

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

12 year old’s mom wrote a great talk for him.
#lds #sacrilegemeeting #sacramentmeeting

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

Just a little midweek pick up... https://t.co/pajlbriz1q

[ExMo posts on Reddit @ExmormonReddit]

Enjoy this, you degenerate sinners. I know I did. --> https://t.co/nsKpWQ5sEg

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

Today in #priesthood: PBS is liberal propaganda. The feminists and gays are getting very powerful. Be vigilant. #danktimes #hideyourkids #bebelieving

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

There should be a Starbucks in every #LDS building so members can smugly refuse the temptation and weed out the posers.

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

God’s not-so-secret obsession: the shape of the ends of mens’ wieners. #circumcision #foreskin #wangs #lighttheworld

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

Saul was diligent in his search for his father’s donkeys.
#saul #bible #pleaseimpaleme

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

“I want to read a little from the history of Saul for those of you who don’t know much about Saul...”

Yeah fuck you I already know everything there is to know about Saul. #saul #bible #whogivesafuck

[Church Commentary @churchcommenta1]

This Sunday’s top 3:
1. Stop the lame jokes before talks—if you don’t have a good one just don’t
2. Hallways are too narrow
3. Maybe write a new Father’s Day song?
#ldsfathers #god