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the eyes are the windmills of the soul

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I hope my future cat is having a good day today.

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hi I’m back for my annual tweet. This time it’s about how walnuts are nasty but in a good way (?) where you can’t stop eating them but you also wish you were eating basically anything else

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@elishapsmith @JustinMcElroy Only when it counts. 🧮

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Every stray cat I see is mine for just a few moments, and that’s what I’m holding onto today. 🐈🖤

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@codesworth 😶😶😶

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RIP IT ROLL IT AND PUNCH IT

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Unless I straight up make eye contact with someone before getting on the elevator, I push the “close doors” button before I push my floor number, and I’m not ashamed of this.

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Can the cops arrest a Tuesday? Asking for a friend

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I asked Michael if we could get a cat today. What do you think he said?

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Every episode of “Boy Meets World” without Minkus is a disaster and this is the hill I will die on

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@codesworth This is incredible.

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@uketrout If there’s one thing in my life that’s missing it’s time with me #introvertenergy

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@badger_hannah Can it be both? Because I’m pretty sure it’s both.🙃😅

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“ARE WE THERE YET!?!”

— Me about the end of the workday today specifically

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2020 Resolution: acquire (preferably with little to no effort) a “Read Receipts On” level of social confidence and a Mariah Carey attitude towards anxiety. 🙃

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Every time someone says “two thousand and twenty” instead of “twenty twenty” a plastic bag lands in the ocean so PLEASE be careful out there guys.

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It has been approximately 1,000 days since someone asked me to join their pyramid scheme so I should be due for another one soon.🤞🏻Let’s hope so because I really miss all of the people who made fun of me in high school but also wanted copy my homework.

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In my dream last night, I convinced Michael we should get a dog based on an (apparently) very compelling argument that included points like “this specific dog is very cute” and “cats are a lot of work when you consider litter boxes” among other things. EVEN DREAM ME IS AGAINST ME

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@elishapsmith I’m pretty sure that “accidentally” tweeting very correct and inarguable opinions is the entire point of Twitter 💁🏼‍♀️

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#Frozen2 is vastly more conceptually and emotionally compelling than the first movie. In this essay I will