Claire Webber

seattle comedian | The Nasty Body - comedy about ostomy | artist & creepshow

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

~65% of ostomies are reversed - unless you are a Black American where the rate is ~56% because of medical injustice.

If you can't attend a protest because bathroom access is limited, you aren't less-than. We all show up how we can.

#ostomy
#protests2020

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

tldr the reason you won't be able to get a vaccine is the same reason you can't have fuzzy water at home

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

I don't know who needs to hear this, but...

sodastream cannisters are so hard to get because we're driving less
and CO2 is a byproduct of ethanol production for gas
and less biofuel is being manufactured
(1/?until it's too late to finish homework)

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

So dry ice bidding wars are starting (!)
and CO2 bidding wars are starting to keep up with dry ice manufacturing demands
AND super cold vaccine storage takes A LOT of dry ice if you don't have specialty freezers

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

Happy World Ostomy Day! I'm always available to read your comedy script and explain why your ostomy joke is 1) hack 2) medically inaccurate 3) weirdly enough not a strong enough cultural touchstone for the joke to land.

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

@earthdyedred THE MEANEST

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

I'm keeping a healthy distance from social media, but popped in to catch up and say, "What you posted, but meaner."

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

Watching @kellymcgonigal's TED talk on stress for class, and the described "social stress test" is...
"a five-minute impromptu speech on your personal weaknesses...there are bright lights and a camera in your face"
IT'S STANDUP Y'ALL.

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

@Adjective_J Hey, welcome to the club! Message whenever if you wanna talk no-boozing. As a person who blacks out - HARD - I am so happy that I'm not going through quarantine guzzling and forgetting.

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

@TheCaseyMcLain @josh_firestine He's a piece of successful gatekeeping manbeef and should be treated as such until I receive a cease-and-desist letter from his lawyer.

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

(This is a niche tweet, pardon)
If you are a woman in comedy who IS NOT sexually harassed on the reg, it's normal to grapple with a gross feeling of being "not hot enough" - that's patriarchy talking, and we're going to kill that together.

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

@TheCaseyMcLain DAMN STRAIGHT <3 I'm funny AF, babyyyyy... But I always feel safe working with nearly anyone, and I know that's not the case for all of my sisters and gals-with-notebooks.

Treat hot comics you wanna bang like a club who might give you stage time - with groveling respect

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

Invasive negative thoughts - is it my ostomy? is it because I'm too confident? is it because I'm just not attractive? Engaged?

Invasive "positive" thoughts - I'm one of the boys! They respect me!

NAH KITTY CATS its patriarchy all the way down.

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

But in a weird way, if you are a comic who's not experiencing this objectification and has weird weird WEIRD feelings about that, we're getting his by this misogyny too. It comes from inside, it comes from outside, and it's something we're gonna squelch.

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

@Gerald_Todd , @The_Booth

[Claire Webber @claireonweb]

For my mutuals that have enjoyed sports-betting-on-politics jokes, turns out there's @PredictIt.

If my political bets are as good as my recent day trades, we're screwed.