🦃 Holiday Archaeologist 🎄

I follow smart, funny people. Big plus to anyone with horror in their profile. I am liberal and #BLM 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🇵🇸

[🦃 Holiday Archaeologist 🎄 @ClassADude]

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That's the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What's the perp doin' with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer's calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it's the duck.

[Just Ellie @DYSONlife4real]

Does anyone else re load the dishwasher because some twat had done it wrong?!?!….

[Avogadro’s House of Moles @schumoo]

I once knew a guy named Dave who disappeared for a while and when I next saw him he was wearing leather and hanging with a biker chick. He asked me to call him Chopper. I sometimes wonder what happened to Dave/Chopper.

[Alan Felyk @AlanFelyk]

Recipes that say "prep time: 10 minutes," assume you never spend five minutes wrestling to open the plastic wraps involved.

[Larry’s Twin 99 @LarrysTwin99]

Splurged this Christmas and bought myself an animatronic Jenna Jameson.

[AbbyDabbyDoo @DearAuntAbby]

This is the time to cut back on junk food and lose a pound or two before gaining weight during the holidays. I can live without a donut today, yes I can.

[🦃 Holiday Archaeologist 🎄 @ClassADude]

@DYSONlife4real 1965!

[Darla @ddsmidt]

Whenever I meet someone new, I’m always torn between whether they’re acting weird because of me or if they just act weird.

[Functionally Feral @FeralFerrell]

how you behave doesn’t dictate how i behave, but it does inform it

[🦃 Holiday Archaeologist 🎄 @ClassADude]

@EkaBakie I'm really sorry. I hope you are able to find a way. And no, I don't think any of it is simple. It's more complicated and difficult than it should be.

[Tired Peasant @HorrorGorl]

Nothing about modern life is normal

[K Squared @thatdentaldude]

Outlook has been down since 1 pm. I’m blaming it on the return of MySpace

[Melissa @JustAMomNamedMM]

You can tell when someone isn’t being straight with you. You can feel the energy shift. Pay attention.

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

Boss: can i pick your brain?

Me: if there’s anything left

[Idunno @oksheesh]

If you have a fenced in yard, eventually the wind will blow the leaves into piles

[pocket gremlin @MehIntoTheVoid]

Early mornings with no coffee makes me a grumpy boy

[🦃 Holiday Archaeologist 🎄 @ClassADude]

@EkaBakie And I'm so sorry - I wasn't aware it cost that much where you are. It should never cost that much to audit a junior college class. Education should never be out of reach.

[🦃 Holiday Archaeologist 🎄 @ClassADude]

@teacher_mom03 Hydrate, hot soup, and throw extra blankets on the bed - sweat out what you can overnight.

[🦃 Holiday Archaeologist 🎄 @ClassADude]

@MadelaineLucyH He's a predator. I will never blame subordinates for an affair with their boss. Yes, they made a mistake (especially. if they are married) but he is 100% to blame and should lose everything.

[mellow @themellowing]

I forgot you can't post anything in a joking manner on the internet anymore.

[baked.in.ny @propapergirl]

some feelings just have nowhere to go