ch500

[Sam Sykes @SamSykesSwears]

My fool godson, William, went down to the basement to get a snack four days ago
I told him--every time I tell him--to COUNT the stairs as he goes down. There's only 12. If it goes to 13, come back up and try again. And don't follow the thing singing down there
But does he listen?

[Reggie Jackson @mroctober]

Now we all know I was innocent ! Amen! RIP Queen E !

[Read Raising Expectations (and Raising Hell) @JPHilllllll]

I don't want self-driving cars and trips to Mars, I want a planet where we don't get headlines like "all the rain is now toxic"

[demetrios @demetriosns]

"The wait is nearly over…previously postponed shows in North America will be announced in the coming days. Gear up for an exciting year ahead!" @PearlJam

[SuggaRay💮 @reneeesito]

@JakeyimDb @KennyK089

[Dan Rather @DanRather]

What the world is seeing now in Afghanistan is what the world chose to ignore for far too long. War is hell. It always has been. And it always will be. Its currency is death, dismemberment, desperation, and fear. It doesn’t end in parades. It ends in caskets.

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

DAAAMN. Everyone PLEASE PLEASE watch this.

[James Merilatt @jamesmerilatt]

Most of the Denver market didn't get to see the Avs have a Presidents' Trophy season and the Nuggets have the league MVP. Shame on KSE.

A total missed opportunity to build fans for the future. But they're more worried about winning a stare down with Comcast. Shameful.

[Prescott Bishop @atmoprescott]

We did it everyone! The AL West standings now spell “ASSHAT”

[Imogene Cancellare, PhD @biologistimo]

“Bobcat” is trending and I feel like I’ve been training for this my whole life.

A thread.

[Kate Sullivan @KateSullivanDC]

The US officially reentered the Paris climate accord today.

[Adrian Pietrzak @zoningwonk]

NYC transit modes as birds 🚃🐦(a thread)

R33 Redbird Train // Cardinal

[Alan MacLeod @AlanRMacLeod]

The US government handing out '$2000' stimulus checks...

[ch500 @cnilan]

Anyone have a cure for a serious case of Benny Mardones singing on repeat in my head? Two weeks of this...can’t take it anymore

[ch500 @cnilan]

@DanNewsManBall @OANN Uh oh. Dan Balls is on the case!

[ch500 @cnilan]

@pattonoswalt Kittredge Farnsworth

[ALT-immigration @ALT_uscis]

Someone sent me this and it is hilarious

[ch500 @cnilan]

You might want to just call them @realDonaldTrump

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

General Motors MUST immediately open their stupidly abandoned Lordstown plant in Ohio, or some other plant, and START MAKING VENTILATORS, NOW!!!!!! FORD, GET GOING ON VENTILATORS, FAST!!!!!! @GeneralMotors @Ford

[ch500 @cnilan]

This made my day

[George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace]

Trump should prove we're ready for Easter by holding rallies starting tonight. Maga hats as far as the eye can see. The "real people" packed shoulder to shoulder, high-fivin' and French kissin' and whatnot.

[ch500 @cnilan]

Yeah Sweden!! Look out for riot at Italy IKEA tonight