Constipated Guy

News updates and thoughts from a man who has trouble taking a shit

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

My favorite kind of Muslims are Shiites.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

I got robbed at gunpoint. It scared the shit into me.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

Just watched an interesting documentary. Didn't realize shitting was invented by Ben Franklin as a way of prolonging erections.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

I can't take a shit of my own so I would like to adopt a Chinese shit.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

Celebrity I'd most like to take a shit with, living or dead: Crystal Bowersox.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

What I wouldn't give to be able to shit under the mistletoe.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

I'm just going to stand near a shit I found outside and hope people think it's mine.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

The closest I've come to dropping a deuce is pissing a jelly.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" is a great book to read, when I'm sitting on the toilet, pissing.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

Just emptied my septic tank. 4,000 gallons of 100% piss.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

I read that Sting said he can shit for up to 8 hours at a time.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

Sorry to take 3 months off twittering. I was trying to take a shit. Didn't happen.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

I ate at Pizzeria Uno then failed to make a Dos.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

Who is Lady Gaga going to date? Guy Gaga?

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

New Beatles rock band is so realistic you can watch Yoko Ono shit with the door open.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

LA wild fires are so bad, officials are now urging people to shit indoors.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

I wish Obama would offer America $5 everytime someone took a shit.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

I talked to a therapist about my problem. She seemed to think it stems from the fact that my Dad would beat me while he shit.

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

@thesulk I'm jealous

[Constipated Guy @constipatedguy]

Might as well replace all the toilets in my house with urinals.