Cookie Pilferer

Purloiner of fine goods

[Cookie Pilferer @CookiePilferer]

@lisa_eqz You're punishing the patients for something that isn't their fault. What a disgusting, vile, selfish thing to do.

It takes a lot of work to get the blood to the patient. Excessive profit is a completely separate issue.

[Cookie Pilferer @CookiePilferer]

@Ovniologia01 @ufoofinterest It looks like a Buzz Lightyear balloon. Maybe some color faded from his chest from sun damage while floating for some time before descending. Purple head covering, square jaw, space suit boots, one leg deflated. You can get a 62 inch tall one on Etsy!

[David Juurlink @DavidJuurlink]

For those contemplating a detox or cleanse in the new year, here’s a toxicologist’s explanation of how they work:

They don’t.

[Mike F @DeputyWarlock]

Referring to anything where I have to show up on time as a "byzantine system"

[Cookie Pilferer @CookiePilferer]

@InternetHippo https://t.co/iJOxJB0qCS

[Francis Scarr @francis_scarr]

It's Russia in 2022, so Ded Moroz (Russia's Santa Claus) has ditched his troika sleigh for an armoured personnel carrier

[Buy Mass Effect The Board Game! (also on bluesky) @ithayla]

elon did not 'buy Twitter'

he impulsively made a ludicrously overpriced offer on Twitter

signed a contract that put him on the hook for that exact amount

tried to back out but was sued BY TWITTER to complete the buyout at the ridiculous price

and is now in a deal where-

[Brett Pransky @BrettPransky]

Inflation is a myth.

They're straight-up robbing us.

[randy @randyfactory]

simba: my uncle murdered my dad

pumbaa: sheesh

simba: then he blamed me for it

timon: yikes. have u tried just not fucken worrying about it lmao

[Demetri Martin ([email protected]) @DemetriMartin]

Before he was Bob, he was a funny uncle.

[God @TheTweetOfGod]

Everything happens for a reason you make up afterwards.

[Mike F @DeputyWarlock]

if your article has important parts of the text excerpted in a bigger font, im just gonna read those instead. if you want me to read the whole article, make the whole thing big and important

[Tammy Duckworth @SenDuckworth]

70% of Americans believe Roe v. Wade should remain the law of the land. Retweet if you're one of them.

[Cookie Pilferer @CookiePilferer]

@McDonalds Please use correct capitalization and spelling. You're normalizing stupidity by saying 'ur'.

[J. David McSwane @davidmcswane]

1) Let me tell you a crazy story. It's consumed 2 years of my life.
As COVID-19 shut down the world in April 2020, I decided to follow the money. I began with a call to a no-name federal contractor who’d somehow landed a $35M deal for masks. Hours later, I’m on a private jet …

[Scott Seiss @ScottSeiss]

A few more for fun 😁 Link in my bio for merch! 20% off everything all April Fools’ weekend

[Cookie Pilferer @CookiePilferer]

I'm kinda hoping everyone skips Windows 11 like we did with Vista and 8. It just doesn't feel like it's time yet

[Abigail Disney @abigaildisney]

THREAD 1/While I'm on the subject of Disney funding anti-gay legislators, it is important to point out that they are funding them not because they are anti-gay (they don't actually care that mch about that) but because they are "pro-business."What does it mean to be pro-business?

[Right Wing Watch @RightWingWatch]

Sherri Tenpenny, one of the right's leading anti-vaccine "experts," claims that COVID vaccines are creating "quantum entanglement" between those who take them and "the Google credit scores and the dematrix and all of those things."

[Cookie Pilferer @CookiePilferer]

As a kid when I heard vampires use sharp teeth to drink blood I thought it meant the teeth were hollow and siphoned the blood like needles. When I realized later that they just slurp the blood with their mouth I found them far less cool