cory

suck my Big Stupid Ass

[cory @coolmathgame_]

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

[cory @coolmathgame_]

guy: it’s nice to meet you

me: no it isn’t

him: what

me: [breathing heavily, way too close to his face] it is not nice to meet me

[cory @coolmathgame_]

bird watchers be like what’s up i’m watching birds

[cory @coolmathgame_]

@joshlchinn thanks

[cory @coolmathgame_]

does anyone know where i can illegally stream college football

[cory @coolmathgame_]

setting up one of those change my mind stands and then immediately changing my mind and agreeing with everyone that comes to argue with me

[cory @coolmathgame_]

[centipede walks in]

shoe salesman: oh fuck yes

[cory @coolmathgame_]

random guy: it’s not a big deal man i just don’t think it matters

me pulling out a gun: the 2 main characters in a show called veggie tales are fruits and that doesn’t matter to u? [waving gun around] it’s not a big deal ?

[cory @coolmathgame_]

@TheAndrewNadeau wait say that again

“yeah there’s two lakes”

no the other part

“oh, yeah one is salty and the other is fresh”

[cory @coolmathgame_]

sorry guys i cant make it to our 10 year highschool reunion im actually still only 23 years old 👍 sucks that yall are all getting super old tho sorry to hear that

[cory @coolmathgame_]

what if you got to hell and satan was wearing a carhartt beanie

[cory @coolmathgame_]

@wizardsnlyfools yup just read this on the internet somewhere

[cory @coolmathgame_]

me: i’ll have a cheeseburger and that’s it

five guys employee: ok what else

me: [nervous, sweating] i said that’s it

employee: order them

me: n-no

employee: [out loud while typing in my order] cheeseburger and 1 million fries. coming right up

[cory @coolmathgame_]

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: no

cop: guess haha 😛

me: what

cop: i feel like you don’t like me 🙁

[cory @coolmathgame_]

this is the ideal relationship. anything else is just bullshit

[cory @coolmathgame_]

me: stop

guy who’s hobby is spelunking: [trying to get under my couch] i think i can fit

[cory @coolmathgame_]

wife: please just don’t say anything stupid

me: ok

[later at dinner with her coworkers]

me after a lull in the conversation: roosters lowkey be waking up early as hell lol

them: what

me: i said roosters be waking up early

[cory @coolmathgame_]

my date: i love finding nemo, have you seen it

me who hasn’t seen the movie but saw a clip of the part where the guys take nemo into the boat: yeah my favorite part is when they eat him

[cory @coolmathgame_]

[talking to my highschool quarterbacks 5 month old son] that guy used to throw the fucking football to me you don’t fucking get it bro

[cory @coolmathgame_]

i swear to god if i see one more incel post about how women hate men or another post about how shitty men are i’m going to lose my mind. do you people not know anyone that is nice. are you all insane. why is my tl full of this bullshit