Could If I Would

new dad - I’m here to learn from the best Twitter has to offer... 🤷‍♂️

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

@SEPTA_SOCIAL @SEPTA Suburban Station, 4:59pm train, Media/Wawa line

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

Hey @SEPTA - can you explain why I got to the platform on time but all train doors were closed and workers ignored me when knocking on the door and they were standing right inside and then 30 seconds later it left the station? People rely on you and this behavior is unacceptable

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

@JacobEllinger8 @ginter_allen @HealthyFairy86 @jacobincambodia @ianmiles Apologies, that was quite confusing and I did not follow.

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

@JacobEllinger8 @ginter_allen @HealthyFairy86 @jacobincambodia @ianmiles What/where does religion talk about science experiments and harvesting organs?

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

#TFW you’re in boarding group B and still somehow get an exit row aisle seat 😏😎 #Southwest #MiraclesHappen

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

This is definitely on the list of the best compliments anyone could ever give another person.

[dr. alex @miaowlex]

some big dude covered in tattoos smoking a cigar infront of my apartment “hey idk if anyone has ever told you but…. you are phenomenal at parallel parking — I’ve seen you a few times like ‘she ain’t gonna make it’ and then you do, incredible”

[The Dad @thedad]

It’s the start of the school year, so tell your kids to keep an eye out for kids getting bullied! Make sure your kids know we can make a difference by simply being kind to someone having a tough time. This message is important enough that there’s no joke here, just hopeful vibes.

[Stefan Smulders @SmuldersStefan]

Jeff Bezos founded Amazon at 30.

Howard Schultz founded Starbucks at 32.

Henry Ford founded Ford at 40.

Ray Kroc founded McDonald's at 52.

Colonel Sanders founded KFC at 62.

Entrepreneurship has no age limit 🙌

[Yair Menchel @yairmenchel]

Passport worker - We're gonna need the baby to sit on the chair for the photo.

Dad - She won't let me put her down.

Passport worker - You're gonna need to figure something out if you want a passport picture.

Dad - I got an idea...

[Timmo @Tim_Milts]

I’ve been standing here for 30 mins. Nothing…

[Parenting Presently @presentparent_]

Me as a new parent: my baby will not eat off the floor

Me as a seasoned parent: when the toddler knocks over a full carton of organic raspberries, the whole family is eating off the floor

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

@bennyjohnson I think you’re a bit too liberal in your use of the word “BREAKING”

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

Quite the experience in a @Verizon store… I won an iPhone 14 Pro so I brought it in to discuss activation, a case, etc. The employee questioned how I got it and then “just made sure I knew” that the phone wouldn’t activate if stolen 😳🤦‍♂️ #duh #customerservicefail

[The Mommy Confessions @alexandrafishr]

This is your friendly reminder that YOU ARE ENOUGH! You are exactly who and what your children need. And THAT is a beautiful thing.

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

Yo @FDSportsbook - the @NFLDraft only has 31 picks in the first round this year…

[Jill Foster @JournalistJill]

A VERY long shot…but if anyone was on flight BA177 from Heathrow to JFK yesterday (Tues 4 April) at 1.10pm and landing at 3.30pm and found this little fella, there’s a distraught little boy who would love to be reunited with him. Get in touch if you can help. Thanks

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

@Parkerlawyer What was your client’s response when they learned of the quick acceptance? Hopefully something like, “Wow, that’s incredible. Thank you. I apologize. I shouldn’t have told you how to do the job I’m paying you to do because you’re the expert.”

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

You know you’re old when you tell a kid on the train that his shoe is untied only to realize they’re both untied and it’s on purpose… 😬

[Could If I Would @couldifiwould]

My 2.5yo daughter has requested Veggie Straws every single day this week for breakfast.

Today: “I don’t like Veggie Straws”

[Katie @ALadyNamedKatie]

What do you call this?